My Sensei's Relationship is Unexpectedly Wrong
by AutisticAnglophile
Summary: It finally happened. My abusive, closet otaku sensei has somehow managed to get engaged. By all means I should be happy for her, since someone finally took her after all these years. For some reason I'm not happy though. In fact, I'm incredibly unhappy. I would even go as far as to say I've never been more upset in my entire life.
1. Chapter 1

**_"You don't really know what you have until it's gone."_**

 ** _To be honest, I've never really thought much of that statement. Usually if someone owns something they tend to take great care to protect it. After all, collectors take pride in their collections and always make sure they're in perfect form, and people who own houses and cars often maintenance them and even buy insurance plans to replace them if they're destroyed. If you don't even notice something until it's gone then you probably never cared about it in the first place; it's just common sense that people protect the things they care about. In the end even a rotten loner like me would go to hell and back if it meant ensuring my adorable imouto's happiness._**

 ** _That's why I can't understand why I'm feeling like this._**

* * *

"Hey Hikigaya, why don't you read the next page since you're clearly paying attention?" Hiratsuka-sensei asked me with a knowing look.

"C-Could you repeat that please?"

"Which part, you reading the next page or you not paying attention?"

 _Damn you Vita-chan! I knew I shouldn't have stayed up till 3 in the morning last night, Hiratsuka's always been immune to my Stealth Hikki._

"Sorry Hiratsuka-sensei, it won't happen again."

"It better not. Now raise your head and follow along, we're at page 134."

I could hear some of my other classmates giggling in the background, no doubt enjoying the sight of my scolding. I turned my head slightly to see Yuigahama looking at me with sympathy, while Hayama's riajuu clique was somewhere between pretending to ignore what had just happened and laughing about it like the rest of the class.

At least Yukinoshita isn't here to rub it in. She'd probably conjure up 50 derivatives of my name revolving around my dead fish eyes and perverted nature faster than I could blink. Not that I care what Yukinoshita thinks, of course, it's just the principle of the matter.

While I'm not a model student, I wouldn't say I'm horrible either. I don't usually fall asleep in class, it's just that one of my favorite eroge-I mean RPG games game out over the weekend and I may have stayed up too late going through all the routes.

I'm just glad I got off without having to take one of Hiratsuka's punches this time, especially since I know just how effective they are. I swear, all that shounen manga she reads has gone to her brain.

Honestly, can someone please take her already? When your Christmas Cake sensei is abusing her students with techniques she picked up from otaku culture, that's when you know things have gone too far.

Anyway, all things considered, I guess things are pretty stable now. While I'm still committed to becoming a full-time house husband to escape the woes of wage cuckery, I suppose I have learned a bit more about that factor I can't calculate when I'm solving problems using my methods.

Human emotion really is a pain, but I know my usual strategy isn't going to give me that genuine thing that I want. The service club may be temporarily at peace, but now that I realize just how fragile it is, it's probably only a matter of time until another misunderstanding rocks the boat.

The elder Yukinoshita sister certainly seems to get her jollies out of seeing how many ways she can rattle us.

After another 5 minutes of contemplating the struggles of my life, it was time for lunch. Since I stayed up late I forgot to prepare anything, so I decided to go with a can of Max coffee from the vending machine. Some people may criticize my nutritional values, but until they've tasted the bliss that is Max they don't have a leg to stand on.

As I was walking down the hallway to get my Max, it hit me just how much I really enjoy lunch. It's one of the few parts of school where I can be a loner without any complications. I don't have to worry about class, I don't have to worry about paying attention, I get to watch Totsuka and nobody notices because they're all absorbed in their riajuu screeching-

"Hey Hikki!"

 _Or so I would like to say, but lately Yuigahama has been eating into my loner time._

"Yo." I responded with my usual greeting, trying to make it sound as cold and detached as possible in the vain hope that she would leave me in peace.

"Hikki, is it just me, or are your eyes even deader than usual?"

"Oi, my eyes may not be perfect like Totsuka's, but that doesn't mean you have to insult them."

"...Hikki, I think you just said something really strange."

 _Wait, did I actually say that out loud?!_

"You're probably just hearing things Yuigahama, after all nobody can ever figure out what's going on in that head of yours."

"Mou! You don't have to be so mean about it! I'm just trying to look out for you Hikki, your eyes really are weird today." As if to prove her point, she pulled a little mirror out of her skirt pocket and shoved it into my face.

 _Huh, now that I look at it, I don't think those black rings under my eyes were always that pronounced. Also Yuigahama you need to move a few inches back! I appreciate your concern over my dead fish eyes but if you move any closer your Yuis will be touching me, I may be a HikkiNEET loner but I'm still a guy you know!_

"I-I see. But did you really need to move so close to point that out?"

Her cheeks colored red as she took a few steps back, making sure to remind me how much of a sexual predator I am by using some of the aforementioned derivatives of my name that she pulled from the Yukipedia.

"By the way, where's your lunch Hikki?"

"I'm on my way to get it right now."

"But the cafeteria is in the other direction..."

"Who said I'm going to the cafeteria? I'm headed to the drink machine."

"Hikki! You really need to take better care of yourself you know! Not only are your eyes looking even worse than usual, but now you're not even eating properly!"

"Hoh, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were worried."

The reaction was immediate, she instantly clammed up and while I couldn't tell since she'd lowered her head, I could guess she was looking quite flustered. She really does make it too easy.

On another note, maybe that's why the Yukinoshita sisters belittle me constantly...

Anyway, shortly after we arrived at the vending machine. I got my Max as usual and Yuigahama ordered some kind of sugary strawberry drink that could best be described as diabetes in a can.

Unfortunately I didn't have much time to savor the Max since my antics with Yuigahama had slowed me down considerably. Looking at a clock on the wall I was surprised to see we only had 5 minutes left to get back to class.

As I was borderline chugging my Max, Yuigahama's face suddenly lit up, as if she had just remembered something important. While such behavior isn't uncommon with her, it piqued my curiosity enough to bother asking.

"What's on your mind?" I questioned in my usual monotone voice.

"O-Oh, it's nothing Hikki. I just remembered that Hiratsuka-sensei said she had an important announcement to make at the end of class today."

"Really? This is the first I'm hearing about it."

"Hikki, she first told us that she had an announcement to make yesterday."

"When?"

"Once at the beginning of class, and then again at dismissal."

 _Ah, that's right. I wasn't really paying attention yesterday because my mind was preoccupied with the 'special' RPG I would be playing for the rest of the night._

"W-Well it's not like it matters. It's probably some trivial thing that we'll forget about by next week."

"I don't think so Hikki, Hiratsuka-sensei seemed pretty serious when she first told us."

"I guess we'll find out soon enough. We'd better head back, it's getting pretty late."

"H-Hikki, did you just say you wanted to go back to class?"

"Don't think much of it, I'm just tired of standing and want to sit down."

 _Plus I need to get back before the bell rings if I want my body to remain in once piece._

The walk back was relatively drab, with Yuigahama going on about some riajuu drama until we arrived at the classroom door.

Once we took our seats it was back to the grind, with nothing to do for the next 4 hours but Totsuka watching and pretending to pay attention to the lecture material.

However, despite my misgivings about class the day eventually came to an end. As I was getting ready to head off to the Service Club however, Hiratsuka suddenly cleared her throat.

 _Oh right, she has the announcement to make. I guess I filtered it out of my mind since it didn't strike me as being particularly noteworthy._

Sitting back down, I turned my head in her direction, expecting her to give us some weekend assignment or spout off some 'inspirational' quote she took from a shounen manga.

What I didn't expect was to see was Hiratsuka nervously twirling her hair, fidgeting back and forth like a shy but excited grade schooler.

 _I've never seen her look like this, what the hell is going on?_

"A-Ahem. As you all know, I said I had something important to share with you yesterday. W-Well, yesterday has come and gone and now here we are."

At this point it was safe to say everybody was a little put off by this bizarre show of timidness. Hiratsuka was many things, but the one thing she wasn't was demure.

If she didn't have our attention before, she definitely had it now.

"I'm sure it's common knowledge by now, but as you probably know, well, I'm closer to 30 then I am to 20. I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure."

 _Why would she bring up her age? What is this about?_

The rest of the class seemed to share in my apprehension, not exactly sure where this was going.

"You also probably know that your sensei has, unfortunately, not been seen as conventionally attractive by the male population of Japan."

Now eyes were widened. Gasps were heard. Everybody had dropped whatever they were doing, listening intently to Hiratsuka's every word.

"Well, for a long time I thought that was just the way things were going to be. I would be single, and that would be that."

 _Wait. That nervous but hopeful gleam in her eyes. Her mentioning her age, and now talking about her love life._

 _This isn't-This can't actually be what I think it is, right?_

 _Right?_

"I mean, you guys were probably thinking the same thing. I know this must come as a shock to you all as well."

 _This isn't real._

"But, it's finally happening!"

 _No._

"T-Today, I'm pleased to announce that I, your sensei, have made arrangements."

 ** _No._**

"To a wedding!"

 _How? How could I not have seen-_

"My wedding! I'm getting engaged everybody!"

The class exploded.

The screaming was louder than anything I've heard before. Cheers were breaking out left and right, all the riajuu were dancing and twirling and I swear you could see stars in their eyes.

The complete blindside Hiratsuka had smacked us with had taken us all off guard. Nobody could have ever predicted that she was even seeing somebody, much less already engaged.

As for Hiratsuka herself, she was surrounded by all of the students, attempting to answer their rapid-fire questions with a thousand watt smile beaming on her face.

I didn't notice any of that though.

I didn't notice that I had already stood up out of my chair.

I didn't notice that I was walking out of the classroom.

I didn't notice Yuigahama and Hiratsuka watching me with confused expressions on their faces as I left.

I didn't notice that I was walking in the opposite direction to the service club.

I didn't notice that I was walking down the stairs.

I didn't notice that I was walking out of the school.

I didn't notice that I was going home.

I didn't notice the dull ache that was forming in my chest.

I didn't notice the tears prickling in my eyes.

I just had to get out of there.


	2. Chapter 2

_**I don't need to be understood.**_

 _ **I want to understand. To know.**_

 _ **I want to know and have peace. I want to be at ease. Because the things that I don't know are horribly scary.**_

 _ **But...**_

 _ **What if the truth, what if knowing is even worse then the façade?**_

 _ **What if that genuine thing is too much for me?**_

 _ **What if I can't accept it after all?**_

* * *

I didn't know how long I'd been walking.

In fact I wasn't even aware I was headed home until I found myself staring at the door of my house. Not knowing what else to do, I opened the door and walked inside.

Not surprisingly, Komachi was shocked to see me home so early.

"Onii-chan! What are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at the Service Club right now?" She asked as she got up from our living room couch, crossing her arms and standing in front of me with a questioning and slightly accusatory look in her eyes.

"You didn't make things awkward again did you? I swear, I don't know how those girls put up with you sometimes, especially when they're making it so easy for you!" She pouted in a standoffish way.

"Komachi, your Onii-chan has had a bit of a long day. I'll explain everything later but right now I just want to rest okay?"

Her suspicious posture deflated instantly and her gaze quickly morphed into one of worry and concern.

 _Did I say something wrong? Why is she looking at me like I just walked home from a bar fight?_

"O-Onii-chan, are you sure you're ok? You know Komachi was just teasing you right? If you need help with anything just let me know and your beloved imouto will take care of it!" She exclaimed in her usual upbeat attitude.

"That one scored you a lot of points. Heh. Don't worry about me, I'll just be sleeping in my room. If you get hungry just let me know and I'll figure something out." I replied in what I thought was an assuring response.

However, to my surprise Komachi didn't seem to be satisfied with my answer. She was still looking at me like something had gone horribly wrong.

"Well, I'm headed up now." I muttered awkwardly, not sure why she was so worried.

As I was walking past her to get to my room, she suddenly grabbed the sleeve of my shirt, halting my progress.

"Onii-chan. If something is wrong you know you can talk to me, right?"

The way she spoke, her voice determined but soft, combined with how she was looking me right in the eyes as she said this, continued to throw me off guard.

 _This is definitely not normal Komachi behavior. I haven't seen her this concerned since-_

 _Since the 'incident' with Orimoto..._

Turning around to fully face her, I raised my hand and gently placed it atop her head, petting it like one would see in a stereotypical shoujo manga.

"My adorable imouto, your concern is much appreciated. Whatever you think happened to me, I assure you it's not as bad as you're imagining. I just need a little alone time and I'll be alright. Is that okay with you?"

"W-Well, if you say so..." Her voice trailed off, telling me that she didn't believe me but wasn't going to pry any further.

 _It doesn't feel right leaving her like this._

"I'm glad you're my sister Komachi, I wouldn't trade you for any other sister in the world. I bet that was super high in points, huh?" I said with a grin on my face, hoping to assuage her worries.

Her soft giggling let me know I'd hit the mark.

"For a self-confessed loner, you always seem to know what to say."

"Of course I do, that's why riajuu avoid me like the plague. If I was just another nonsense peddler I'd be popular like everyone else. They can't stand to listen to the truth in my words, since it'd ruin their ideals of youth and awaken them to the ruthless world we live in."

"...Nevermind. You still have a long way to go." Komachi stated with a deadpan expression.

"Better to be hated for what you are, then loved for what you are not." I replied with a smirk, finally satisfied enough to end the conversation.

As I was walking back to my room, I didn't notice the sorrow in Komachi's eyes as she watched me go.

Nor did I notice as she marched over to her phone, scrolling through her contact list until she came upon a certain name.

I definitely didn't notice her absolute fury as she hastily pressed the call button, ready to go off on the girl she thought had hurt her brother.

* * *

Shutting the door behind me, I heaved a sigh of relief that I had managed to deal with whatever was afflicting Komachi.

Unfortunately, my work for today was not yet done.

Lying down on my bed, I conjured up that great evil beast, the monster of logic, to help me decipher what I was experiencing.

 _Alright._

 _Objectively, this could mean several different things._

 _Clearly the trigger of my temporary mental instability is related to Shizuka. For whatever reason I started feeling this way as soon as she announced her engagement._

 _But why?_

 _For one, I've always hated change. Maybe seeing my sensei moving onto another stage in her life is affecting me in some bizarre way._ _This could simply be an onset of nostalgia for a time I now know will soon be in the past?_

 _No, that doesn't make sense. If nostalgia was my weakness then I never would've asked for something genuine, I wouldn't have shaken up the status quo in the ways that I have. I would instead be seeking to keep things stable so that I could live in the moment, but that's something Hayama would do, not at all benefitting of Sobu's resident loner._

 _If nostalgia's out, could I be feeling jealous?_

 _Of what? Also since when did I start feeling jealous?_

 _No, jealousy is for riajuu, that's not even a considerable option._

 _So nostalgia and jealousy are out._

 _Could I be feeling left behind? Am I upset that my life situation has remained stagnant while others are moving forward?_

 _No, that would be a betrayal of what I've stood for since Middle School. To work is to lose, wanting to change is just admitting defeat and conforming to society's standards._

 _I'm better than that._

 _Come on monster, help me out here. If all I can do is calculate then I'm going to be the best damn calculator that's ever lived._

 _I know I'm not feeling angst or jealous or left behind. Objectively I should be happy that Shizuka is getting married, I've been awaiting this day for so long now it doesn't even feel real now that it's actually happening. Why does Shizuka's happiness make me unhappy? What kind of unhappiness is this?_

 _Do I hate her? Am I upset that she's getting what she wants?_

 _No, of course not, she's assisted me out of her own free will, when nobody else would._

 _Am I going to miss her when she's gone? Am I afraid I'll never see her again once she gets married?_

 _No, I already knew I wouldn't be seeing her after graduation anyway, and furthermore this isn't the feeling of missing someone._

 _I've missed Komachi. I've missed Totsuka. I can say with certainty I'm not missing Shizuka._

 _Her happiness is making me unhappy._

 _From an outsider's perspective, that doesn't make any sense. I have no logical reasons to be feeling this way, my reasoning is sound but it isn't enough._

 _Wait._

 _When the monster fails, I'm left with the one thing I can't calculate._

 _Emotion._

 _But what kind of emotion?_

 _Isolate my feelings, remove all obstructions, get to the source._

 _Desire._

 _Longing._

 _I want Shizuka's attention, I'm upset that someone else is taking it away._

 _Why?_

 _Because I want it._

 _Why?_

 _I don't care for the attention of others, I don't want to be noticed._

 _What I'm looking for is different._

 _It isn't attention, but similar._

 _What do I want more than anything?_

 _Genuine. I want the truth. I want relationships where everyone can be honest._

 _What kind of relationship is that?_

 _I don't know._

 _Do I want that with Shizuka?_

 _I don't know._

 _Why don't I know?_

 _Because I don't want to._

 _Why don't I want to know? I always want to know._

 _Because if I know I'll be hurt._

 _How?_

 _Because I know that relationship is impossible. I know it's forever out of my reach._

 _Why? Students can be friends with teachers._

 _I don't want to be friends, I want something more._

 _What more do I want?_

 _I want something genuine._

 _What is genuine?_

 _Something that'll hurt me._

 _What kind of hurt? If it's something I want why will it be painful?_

 _Because I don't want to take the risk. I can't be honest. I want to reach out and expose my feelings but I can't._

 _Because I'm a hypocrite._

 _A coward._

 _I want genuine but I don't._

 _I want friendship but I don't._

 _I want her affection but it'll never be enough._

 _What kind of desire is that? What could be so twisted and cruel and yet so captivating?_

 _It's something I want but can never have._

 _It's something that gets my hopes up only to crush them into the ground._

 _I hate nice girls. A loner never falls for the same trap twice._

 _But Shizuka isn't a nice girl._

 _She's brutal._

 _She's aggravating._

 _She's immature._

 _She's violent._

 _She's unhygienic._

 _She's honest._

 _She's kind._

 _She's caring._

 _She's beautiful._

 _She notices when no one else does._

 _She's there when no one else is._

 _She's real._

 _She's genuine._

 _I call her by her first name because her name is important to me._

 _Because she's important to me._

 _Because what I want is genuine. Shizuka is genuine._

 _I want genuine._

 _I want Shizuka._

 _But I can never have her._

 _Because she's taken now._

 _Because somebody took her. Somebody took her who wasn't me._

 _I wanted it to be me._

 _I'm sad because it wasn't me._

 _I'm depressed because it could never have been me._

 _I'm hopeless and ashamed and lost because she's gone forever and that genuine thing is gone forever because of my cowardice._

 _Because I wanted to know her entirely and I wanted her to know me entirely._

 _Because the genuine thing I've been looking for all this time was right in front of me all along..._

* * *

"Hah." I sighed, letting the monster retreat into the recesses of my mind.

Sitting up slowly, I looked out my window, gazing into the full moon.

"That's not good." I mumbled softly, having finally reached the bitter realization that my mind had so desperately tried to avoid.

"I never could've imagined that my genuine thing was so warped. No wonder I didn't see it." Even that monster couldn't face it.

The unstoppable force that moves mountains and slays monsters.

Where youth goes to die.

"I'm really in for it now." I whispered to the stars above, knowing that no one would hear my prayers.

"I just had to go and fall for my deranged otaku sensei, didn't I?"

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hachiman's in deep.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Ignorance is bliss.**_

 _ **Such a phrase is quite popular amongst angsty youth and activists. The idea that the world isn't the wonderful, ideal existence you thought it was and is in fact a cold and desolate battlefield for the powerful is a running theme across many different cultures.**_

 _ **Most tend to associate such a realization with coming of age; a natural and healthy sign of maturity when the naïve and starry-eyed innocents are exposed to the truth of matters and are irrevocably changed, now able to discuss and contemplate topics previously out of their reach.**_

 _ **As for me, I've always been more of a the truth will set you free kind of guy. The monster of logic that resides within me is relentless in its struggle to reach the foundation of a problem, regardless of the costs. Those who can't handle the truth are just weak-minded riajuu who bury their heads in the sand to avoid looking at the abyss staring them in the face.**_

 _ **For the first time in my life, however, I may be able to sympathize with those reality deniers.**_

 _ **While I'm not in a life or death situation, the conundrum in front of me, the final answer that the monster has led me to, is a one way road that leads to nothing but suffering and anguish.**_

 _ **Maybe a sweet illusion can be better than the bitter truth.**_

* * *

 **bzzz, bzzz, bzzz, bzzz….**

I slowly opened my eyes to the infernal sound of my alarm clock ringing next to my ear. Smashing the off button with my serious punch, I mentally prepared myself for the day ahead.

 _I can weather this storm. I've already experienced a crush and faced the ultimate rejection, my heart has grown strong from my years as a loner._

With that thought in mind, I rolled out of bed, quickly taking a shower and getting dressed for school. Not bothering to check if I looked presentable, I headed downstairs to fix myself some breakfast.

As I was walking towards the kitchen, however, my nose picked up the scent of something sweet coming from the kitchen.

 _What is this? Has my mother actually decided to make breakfast for her children? Did something horrible happen to her boss that's temporarily freed her from corporate slavery?_

Turning the corner, I was surprised to see not my mom, but my adorable imouto sitting at our kitchen table. Even more surprising was that said table had two plates on it, and both plates were covered in very delicious looking blueberry waffles. Perhaps most surprising was seeing Komachi sitting happily in one of the chairs, her plate completely untouched.

"What are you waiting for onii-chan? Come sit down and eat with me!"

 _...To any gods that may or may not exist, I sincerely offer my eternal gratitude for this act of kindness. At long last my tortured soul can finally rest having experienced the joy of a Komachi breakfast._

"U-Uh, yeah, sure." I quickly walked over to the table and sat down next to her, afraid if I wasn't fast enough that this scene before me would fade away.

I was so caught up in the moment that it took me a while to realize my plate was lacking in the silverware department. Confused, I looked at my sister with a bewildered expression, still not sure what to think of this whole thing, when she flashed me a smile that could have melted Yukinoshita-tier ice queens.

"Don't worry about that, I'll be the one feeding you this morning!" She said as she cut a piece of waffle off my plate, putting it on her fork and holding it inches from my mouth.

 _Hachiman has stopped working. Would you like to restart?_

"I bet this is super high in points right!"

 _How did this happen?! Since when did I trigger the little sister route anyway, I didn't even see the flags dammit! While I would love to accept this situation I can already hear the FBI on the way to our front door and I can't be a house husband if I'm in jail!_

"H-Hold on!" I shouted as I backed up several inches from Komachi's face, not wanting to give into my desires and validate the Service Club's siscon accusations.

"Your onii-chan, while very happy, is incredibly confused right now. What have I done to warrant this treatment?"

"Huh, isn't it natural for little sisters to support their older brothers when they're going through hard times? I'm just doing what any good imouto would given the situation." Komachi said like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"My dear Komachi, while your efforts to make me feel better warm my loner heart, you don't have to go so far for me. Your onii-chan can take care of himself you know?"

Komachi's smile lessened by a few degrees, her head lowering like she had received a scolding from our parents. I think my heart died a little inside.

Right before my big brother instincts could kick in and save the day, however, she spoke up.

"I-I know, it's just..." She looked up at me, and I could see in her eyes that she was serious.

"Yesterday, you seemed so sad." She said in a quiet voice.

 _Ah, so that's what this is about. I don't know whether to cry tears of happiness that my sister is so worried about me or cry tears of shame that I've made her feel this way._

She let out a little squeak as I chopped her lightly on the head.

"I thought I already told you that what happened yesterday wasn't a big deal. I just need a little bit of time and I'll be fine, I promise." I said in my best reassuring voice.

"Do you really?" Komachi mumbled softly, tilting her head up at me in a way that short-circuited all of my cute sensors.

"Yes, I really really promise. Now come on, let's eat these waffles before they get cold."

"Are you sure you want to eat them when Komachi is willing to feed them to you?"

"...You can do whatever you want."

"Teehee!"

* * *

After what could be considered the greatest breakfast I've ever had, I set off for school in such a good mood that I almost forgot my situation.

Key word, almost.

As I got closer and closer, I could feel a tightening in my chest as my nervousness started taking over. Willing away the feeling, the monster of logic came to my defense.

 _Nothing is different. I've seen Hiratsuka-sensei many times in many different classes and I was just fine. Fundamentally nothing has changed whatsoever in my relationship with her. There's no reason for things to change between us._

 _No one is better at losing than me, and considering who I'm interested in I already know I stand no chance of victory. By forgoing all expectations of my love ever coming to pass, I've removed any possibility of rejection and lessened the stinging in my heart to a dull ache. All I have to do now is wait for this unfortunate emotion to pass, and my relationship with my high school teacher can return to normal._

My logic was undeniable.

So why was my heart still beating so rapidly?

"Whatever, let's just get this day over with."

* * *

I already had my Stealth Hikki activated when I entered the classroom, dialing it up to maximum power in the hopes that I could take my seat without being noticed.

Unfortunately, the moment I set foot in the room I could feel two pairs of eyes staring through my soul. Lifting my head slightly, I saw Hiratsuka-sensei looking at me with a pensive gaze

 _Ah right, I totally walked out on her yesterday didn't I?_

I was so caught up in her marriage announcement that I couldn't even bother to give her a simple congratulations. Obviously she'd be put off guard by such an awkward display.

In fact not only did I completely bail out of class yesterday, but I also missed the Service Club.

 _That would explain the ominous feeling behind me._

Turning my head around, Yuigahama instantly pretended she wasn't just watching me like a hawk. Realizing the extent of the misunderstandings that would surely follow, I could only hang my head in defeat as I prepared myself for a long day of explanations and character defenses. After all, I had brought this on myself with my tantrum yesterday.

I would like to say I tried paying attention in class, but every time I looked up to focus on the lecture I saw Hiratsuka-sensei and was reminded of my failure. Every time I looked down to take notes I became lost in my thoughts pondering how I was going to come up with an acceptable excuse for my absence from the Service Club. In short, the monster of logic was yet again unable to solve my dilemma.

 _That's been happening more often lately. Maybe it's time for an upgrade? What about the sage of logic? Nah, too mundane. Wizard of logic, demon of logic, tyrant of logic, Geass of logic-_

Before I knew it the bell was ringing, signifying the end of class. Halting my chunni ramblings, I quickly reorganized my brain into survival mode.

 _Surely a direct approach would be the best way to ensure Hiratsuka that I'm fine and she doesn't need to worry._ _Just a few sentences, maybe even a single sentence, and I can be on my way knowing that I've cleared up any misunderstandings between us._

Coming to my feet, I casually walked up to her desk at the front of the class, ready to make my case, when she turned away from the board to look at me.

"Hikigaya?"

 _Oh, it seems my brain has decided to stop working._

"U-Umm, uhh..." I stuttered nonsensically, suddenly unable to form words.

Growing more concerned at my apparent mental breakdown, Hiratsuka stepped away from the board and started walking towards me.

 _What is going on?! Just say a few words dammit, at this rate she's going to think I'm having an aneurysm!_

"Are you sure you're okay? I know you've been struggling with math lately but your health should always come first."

She was now right in front of me, scrutinizing my unsettled expression.

 _Was she always this beautiful? Wait, remember your training Hachiman! I'm a loner firmly entrenched in the citadel of chastity, none of your attacks will penetrate my defense!_

"You know if you need some help with your studies, you can always just ask me. I'm not above tutoring my students if they need my assistance."

 _Warning, all defenses compromised. The citadel of chastity is taking damage._

"N-No, that's really not-"

"You should have a little more faith in your sensei you know? It may not seem like it but I'm actually pretty good at tutoring!" She said with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.

 _GAME OVER MAN, IT'S GAME OVER!_

"I'm sorry for walking out yesterday sensei! I promise you I'm doing fine and you don't need to worry about me!"

Quickly turning around, I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the classroom. Ignoring Yuigahama and all the rest of my classmates who were surely wondering what had happened, I headed off to the Service Club wishing that I could curl into a ball and sink into the depths of the Earth.

 _What the hell happened? Everything seemed so clear in my head until she turned around. Is this what love does to rational people? Is this the force that can launch a thousand ships?_

Lost in my thoughts, I quickly walked through the school until I was standing at the entrance to the Service Club.

 _Great. I escaped from my sensei only to run into the scariest Ice Queen. I hope I still have enough HP left to withstand her onslaught._

* * *

Sliding the door open, I stepped into the club room prepared for the worst.

"Hello Hikigaya." Yukinoshita mumbled in a quiet voice.

 _Wait what?_

"Would you like some tea?" She asked with what looked like a nervous smile on her face.

 _Maybe I really have been teleported to another dimension after all. First Komachi treating me to breakfast, and now a demure Yukinoshita shyly offering me tea? Is this some shitty attempt at an isekai?_

"Y-Yeah, that would be fine." I stuttered out.

Yukinoshita quickly stood up, walking over to the brewer without turning to face me.

To say I was flabbergasted would have been an understatement. I was fully expecting the Ice Queen to come at me with the fury of a wild banshee for bailing out of the Service Club yesterday for no good reason. If she had pounced on me now I would have had no defense but to accept her scorn with shame. Instead I was greeted by this jittery Yukinoshita that I wouldn't have thought existed just a few minutes ago.

Tossing my bag aside and taking my usual seat at the end of the table, my nostrils were quickly greeted with the sweet smell of chamomile tea. Looking at the other end of the table, I saw that Yukinoshita had already made a cup for herself. The scent calmed my nerves as I thought about the possible reasons behind this miraculous turn of events.

 _Maybe my dead fish eyes have finally leveled up enough to subdue even the mighty Yukinoshita-sama herself. Though I guess calling them dead fish eyes isn't enough anymore, now they're endless abyss eyes that purify light novels and slay Ice Queens._

As I was debating whether this was a good thing or not, the door to the Service Club suddenly opened.

"Y-Yahallo." Yuigahama squeaked out, seemingly infected with the same dere virus that had already claimed Yukinoshita.

"Would you like some tea Yuigahama-san?" Yukinoshita asked from the back of the room.

"S-Sure." Yuigahama responded, moving over to take her usual spot at the center of the table.

 _How fitting that she sits in the middle. She's always been the mediator, the glue that's held this club together._

I've sometimes thought about what would have become of the Service Club had Yuigahama not joined us. It's likely I would have long ago succumbed to Yukinoshita's endless torment.

The warm but not unpleasant feeling on my face snapped me back to reality, the smoke from the plastic cup now in front of me signaling that Yukinoshita had finished brewing our tea.

Looking back to the end of the table I saw that she had once again taken her seat, drinking the tea she had brewed for herself earlier.

Yuigahama seemed to be doing the same, taking a quick sip from her own cup before putting it down. The usually upbeat girl was being uncharacteristically quiet today, glancing around the room with her hands clasped in her lap as if she wanted to speak out but was being prevented from doing so by an unseen force.

I couldn't quite put my finger on it but something was obviously amiss. While I would normally just pull out a light novel and immerse myself in the world of 2-D to escape my 3-D problems, something was telling me that wouldn't quite be adequate this time.

The atmosphere was twisted. The last time the club was even remotely this awkward was when I gave my genuine speech, and unless I missed something drastic, I'm pretty sure nothing of significance has happened since then to warrant the scene unfolding before me.

Making up my mind, I decided to take the hit and break this awkward silence.

"So...Anything interesting happen lately?"

Immediately the two girls stiffened up, as if I had broken some hidden contract that only they knew about.

"Whatever do you mean Hikigaya-kun?" Yukinoshita said as she turned her head and looked me in the eyes. Her eyebrows had hardened and buried within her smile was the slightest hint of a scowl.

 _I'd better be careful here. So far I've been pretty lucky, I don't want to stir the bear._

"Well, I was just wondering if the Yukipedia has finally run out of fresh material. Maybe your weakness in stamina has carried over into your mental department?"

Her sharp look momentarily withered, only to be replaced with the face of death itself.

 _That wasn't too strong was it?_

"Oh my. It seems as if you've deluded yourself into believing that your existence is still worth degrading. I don't expect your pint-sized brain to comprehend this, but in fact I've come to the realization that you're so worthless, so utterly devoid of any value, that to expend any of my mental faculties on reminding you of your complete and total incompetence at everything would be nothing more than a waste of my time."

 _...Nah, I'm fine. My heart is totally intact and not diced into ribbons. Definitely. I just have to pretend the moisture forming around my eyes is pollen residue._

"Y-Yukinon, maybe that was a bit much."

 _Thank you Gahama-chan, for taking pity upon this poor soul._

"I know his status isn't so great but that doesn't mean you have to drag him through the mud."

 _Give my thanks back dammit! I want a refund!_

"Well, uh, I see that your Yukipedia hasn't lost its luster. So besides confirming that your anti-Hikigaya countermeasures are still operating at full capacity, has there been another interesting thing that's happened lately?"

Both girls looked down again, no doubt having caught on to my actual question. Hopefully with my icebreaker out of the way the tension wouldn't be so high as to prevent them from telling me the truth.

"D-Do you really not know Hikki?" Yuigahama spoke up.

"While the knowledge I've obtained from my years of living as a loner has been invaluable, I'm unfortunately not omniscient."

Yuigahama's blank stare told me that she wasn't getting the message.

"He's saying he doesn't know in his own twisted way, Yuigahama-san."

"I-I know that Yukinon! I was just thinking..."

"Somebody call the press! This could be the scoop of the year; Yuigahama Yui is thinking!" I chipped in, hoping to salvage what was left of my HP after Yukinoshita's verbal beatdown while at the same time doing away with the atmosphere of unease that had come over the club.

"Not you too Hikki! Mou, why are you guys so mean to me!" Yuigahama whined, eliciting a few chuckles from Yukinoshita and myself.

Confident that I'd softened them up enough, I decided to get to the point.

"So back to this thing I don't know about. What exactly happened?"

Yukinoshita's mirth died down, her face adopting a serious expression that assured me I would get my answer.

"Hikigaya-kun, when was the last time you spoke with your sister?"

"Komachi? What does my perfect-in-every-way imouto have to do with this?"

 _I can see the siscon accusations burning in their eyes. No matter, my love for Komachi has made me more powerful than they can possibly imagine. The word siscon rolls off of me like water off stainless steel._

"Leaving aside your degenerate tendencies, by your words I assume you haven't spoken to her recently."

 _What is Yukinoshita getting at here?_

"Not at all. In fact, we had a conversation shortly after I got home. But what does my sister have to do with anything?"

"That's another thing! Why did you just disappear on us so suddenly Hikki? You just went straight home right after class, you didn't even say goodbye or anything!"

 _Welp I had a good run. Leave it to Yuigahama to ask the really hard questions._

"You see Yuigahama, yesterday I happened to come down with a really bad stomach virus, and because of that I had to go straight home."

"Interesting. So you were afflicted with a disease that was so dreadful that you couldn't even bother to let us know that you were sick, and yet you stand before us now perfectly fine, with no residual symptoms whatsover?"

 _Stop making too much sense Yukinoshita!_

"Well you see, it was the type of stomach bug that only lasts for a day or so, and then it's gone."

"But you seemed fine all day before Hikki!"

"Oh. How convenient that your disease just so happened to manifest when it was time to participate in the Service Club."

"Well regardless of what you think it came on suddenly and I had to go home. As for why I'm fine now we have pretty good antibiotics at home to deal with this kind of thing since my Mom is somewhat overprotective and makes sure to keep our house stocked up on meds."

 _Please stop boring a hole through my soul with your eyes. I know I'm a lying piece of trash but if you could please let me off the hook this time that would be great._

"A-Anyway! Enough about my absence yesterday, what is this I'm hearing about my sister? Did something happen to her yesterday that I should know about? Is she doing alright?"

"N-Not exactly. You see Hikigaya-kun, last night, your sister called Yuigahama-san..." She trailed off as if I was supposed to understand what she was trying to convey.

"Okay? Yuigahama and my sister talking isn't anything abnormal."

"Y-You'd think so. But erm, well, Hikki, last night your sister was really mad. I mean, like, really super ultra mad."

 _Blasphemy! Komachi doesn't have a mean bone in her body, she'd never hurt anybody!_

"What are you talking about Yuigahama? Did something go wrong at her school?"

"No Hikki. She was mad at us. At me and Yukinon..."

 _What?_

"What?"

"I won't go into the details Hikigaya-kun, but your sister called Yuigahama-san last night and subjected her to an aggressive interrogation. Afterwards she demanded that Yuigahama-san call me, where she proceeded to give me the same treatment."

"B-But that doesn't make any sense. Was there an explanation for this?"

"For some reason she thought that Yukinon and I had done something to really upset you Hikki. I don't know why but she got it in her head that we must have been really horrible to you and she wanted answers."

 _Wait. Yesterday I was really miserable due to my realization of my feelings towards Hiratsuka and her marriage announcement. Komachi has been really worried about me lately, but if she had thought my sadness was a result of the club..._

 _Hah, I just can't catch a break. Misunderstandings create more misunderstandings. Not only am I going to have to clear up the situation with the club, but now I'm going to have to patch things up with Komachi too. The only way she's going to accept my answer is if I'm truthful, and if I tell her the truth then she'll know everything. This is such an unfortunate situation I've found myself in._

"Well, uh, it may be possible that she mistook my stomach sickness yesterday for you guys being mean to me. You know how little sisters are when it comes to their onii-chans hehe."

"Considering that neither of us have a little sister, I'm not sure we can relate Hikigaya-kun."

"L-Listen, I'll patch things up with Komachi when I get home today. I'm sure there's a logical reason behind her actions, she wouldn't have done whatever she did last night if she didn't think something was wrong. Don't worry about it too much, I'm sure she doesn't hate you or anything."

"I know that Hikki, I'm just wondering why she thought we were the reason behind your sickness."

"Indeed, an outside observer would think there was more to the situation than meets the eye."

 _Please stop digging into this, for your own sakes you don't want to know the answers to your questions._

"W-Well whatever the case, I'll know after today. Don't spend too much time worrying about it, I'm sure it's all just a big misunderstanding."

 _Heh. Big doesn't even begin to describe it._

"I-If you say so Hikki."

"For your information I wasn't worried. It's not as if I was rattled by your sister's accusations, I was simply caught off guard."

 _Sometimes I wonder if I should change your character profile from Ice Queen to tsundere, when you say things like that._

* * *

The rest of the Service Club proceeded as normal, with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama having their typical girl talk, and myself sitting at the far end of the table reading a light novel. Before we knew it, the club's meeting time was over and we were leaving the school. Bidding my farewells to the girls, I began the long trek home.

 _I'm going to do it, I have no other choice now. If I don't tell her then she'll keep suspecting them, and the club could fall apart. I have to tell Komachi the truth. I wanted to put this off a little bit longer, so that I could sort out my own feelings on the matter, but circumstances have forced my hand._

 _This genuine thing, it's turning out to be a whole lot more than I bargained for._

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 ** _Sorry for the long wait. College is a douche bag. Also I fucked up my teeth so I had to get a root canal. Root canals aren't fun, so you guys should brush your teeth consistently._**

 ** _Also, I may have, kinda, just a little bit, gotten a little lazy. Just a little._**

 ** _Anyway Hachiman is about to have a big bro ultra legit conversation with Komachi. I wonder how she'll handle her onii-chan going down the sensei route?_**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Confessions.**_

 _ **Confessions are a part of life for everyone.**_

 _ **Some confessions are relatively light-hearted and ultimately unimportant. For instance, the moment when a young boy or girl confesses their love for the first time, or when a child confesses to having taken a cookie from the cookie jar. While confessions of this nature may seem overwhelming at the time, they are usually forgotten as people grow older, confined to the realm of embarrassing childhood memories.**_

 _ **Other confessions, on the other hand, are much more serious. The confession to a spouse of one's infidelity, the confession of a serial killer to the police, the confession of a con artist to committing fraud. These confessions are genuinely life altering, and have reverberating effects across the confessor and the ones being confessed to. The people involved will remember these confessions for as long as they live, as the feelings associated with the confession become permanently engraved in their hearts and minds.**_

 _ **Nonetheless, regardless of their relative importance, confessions are unavoidable. For better or worse, there comes a time in everyone's lives when they have to grit their teeth and let the truth be known**_ ** _._**

 ** _I can feel my teeth chattering in the back of my mouth._**

* * *

I was still a ways off from home, but that didn't ease the rhythmic thumping of my heart.

 _I wonder how she'll respond to this. I've said and done a lot of questionable things in my life, and she's taken them all in stride so far. I'd like to believe her affection for me won't change, but as far as I know no one in the Hikigaya household has ever outed themselves as a sensei-con before._

 _Will she still be able to look at me as her brother once the truth is out? Will she still love me?_

 _Do I even deserve to be loved?_

As my feet continued to move, one in front of the other, I felt as though there was a doomsday clock hovering above my head. As the distance to my house grew ever shorter, I could almost visualize the second hand ticking along in synch with my feet, each step bringing me closer to midnight.

 _Maybe I'm overreacting, realistically what's the worst that could happen? My parents disowning me a son wouldn't be so bad since I'm already dead to them anyway. If word gets out and my career opportunities evaporate then I can just double down on my goal of becoming a full time house husband, since working is losing anyway. If this ends up being the ultimate social suicide and leaves me with no friends then that's really no different from how I'm already living._

 _W-Well, there is always the possibility that the worst could come to pass if Totsuka somehow found out and lost respect for me._

 _That would be unbelievably painful for sure, but I think deep in my loner heart I was prepared for us to part ways anyway. I can survive without Totsuka in my life, even I'm crippled for the rest of my days as a result._

 _But if Komachi decided I was beyond saving, if she turned her back on me and gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of my life, if she looked at me like Orimoto did on the day of my confession and casually tossed aside my existence in a similar manner..._

 _Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should just turn around and crawl in a ditch and die. Maybe I should just pretend everything is fine as the world is burning around me-_

"Yo." I muttered my usual greeting as I opened the door to my house, expecting to receive my usual Komachi hug. After several seconds had passed with no physical contact however, I figured that Komachi must have been holed up in her room, evident from the light that was shining upstairs.

 _Hmm. That's odd, since Komachi is usually_ _in the living room reading manga or chatting with her friends, waiting for me to come home like an ideal little sister. Unfortunately, I guess this means Yukino and Yuigahama weren't entirely exaggerating about whatever happened last night._

 _Whatever, I'm just going to charge in and get this over with, like that Leroy Jenkins guy from the internet._

As I was walking upstairs to her room, all the arguments and explanations I had formulated in my mind to justify myself faded away like rainclouds after an intense thunderstorm.

Before I knew it, I was knocking on her door.

"Hey, Komachi, can I talk with you about something?"

I could hear the sounds of something shuffling from behind the door.

"U-Umm, what do you want to talk about?" She replied with a voice that was trying to be cool and collected but was clearly not.

 _Here we go._

"Well, if you could open the door first so we can speak to each other clearly that would be nice."

There was silence on the other side. I wasn't counting the time but it had to have been at least 30 seconds.

"You know statistically face to face conversations are the best way to convey information."

Still quiet.

"Komachi, can you please just open the door? I really want to talk to you."

As the seconds continued to tick by with no responses, I finally lost my composure.

"Listen, I know I haven't been the greatest onii-chan recently. You were right to think that something was wrong with me. Lots of things have happened and I've been forced to arrive at some unfortunate conclusions. I tried to hide it from you because I didn't want you to worry, but in hindsight I guess that was stupid since of course you would see through everything right away. I shouldn't have tried to brush you off like I do with everyone else, I should have been honest with you from the start, and had a genuine conversation about what I was going through. I can't change how I acted before, but if you're willing to listen to me now then I'll tell you everything that you want to know, no questions asked."

The lack of noise from her side was killing me. I honestly wanted to break the door down in that moment so I could see her face and know that my words were reaching her.

"Please Komachi, you don't have to open the door, just say something, anything, to let me know you're there-"

I could feel her arms wrapped tightly around my waist.

Before I could process what had happened, the bedroom door had suddenly flung open and my imouto's face was pressed into my chest.

"Stupid gomi-chan, you shouldn't make your little sister worry you know? I'm going to have to subtract a lot of points for that!" She said, looking me in the eyes.

"Yeah, you can subtract as many points as you want, I deserve it." I responded, patting her on the head.

Turning around, she walked into her room and took a seat on her bed facing me, gesturing towards me to come in.

I swiftly followed, deciding to sit on a desk chair by the bed instead of beside her. While I have a good deal of faith in myself, I was in a girl's room, my little sister's room no less, and I didn't want to risk proving Yukinoshita right by allowing my latent siscon tendencies to take over.

Komachi gave a little huff in response. I wasn't sure whether she was angry I didn't sit next to her or upset because I was sitting in her desk chair.

"So what do you want to know?" I asked, curious to see where she would take the conversation.

"Everything." She responded bluntly.

 _Yeah, I saw that coming._

"Alright. Well, it's going to take a little while, is that ok with you?"

"If it's for my onii-chan, I'll listen forever! That was super high in points wasn't it?!"

"Yes, you're the superior sibling with an insurmountable points lead, little sisters everywhere can look to you as their example."

"W-Well, you're pretty high in points too, even if you don't think you are." She stuttered shyly, looking down and to the side in a way that reminded me of a certain foxy kohai of mine except nothing about it was foxy and everything about it was beyond adorable.

 _I am not a siscon. Yukinoshita will not have victory today._

"W-Well anyway, if you want to know what happened, it all started a few days ago..."

* * *

"Hmm. So your sensei got married and didn't tell you. But why is that such a bad thing? She probably just wanted it to be a surprise you know?"

"First off, she's just engaged right now, she's not married yet. Second of all, well, this is kind of what I've been leading up to." I looked down, steeling myself for the most brutal confession of my life.

"Komachi, do you know what I hate more than anything in the world?"

Her eyebrows creased and her eyes crossed as she adopted her concentration face.

"Hmm... Coming from you, I would have to say riajuus."

 _I've trained her well._

"While that is a very good guess, you're not quite right. The thing I hate more than anything else in the world is actually nice girls."

"...Onii-chan, where are you going with this?"

"Nice girls are my sworn enemies, and every girl I've met so far has been nice. But, what if there happened to be a girl who wasn't nice? What if there was a crude, painfully honest woman who didn't bother to conform to society's standards? How do you think I would react to such a girl?"

The riajuu stars that were visible in my classmates' eyes during Hiratsuka's announcement had returned with a vengeance in the eyes of my imouto.

"OH MY GOSH ONII-CHAN! I'M SO HAPPY!"

She leaped off of the bed and into my arms, almost bowling me over along with the chair I was sitting in.

"I can't believe you finally fell in love with an actual human girl! I was really starting to worry that you would be a Hikiloner NEET forever and I would have to take care of you!"

 _Wait, Komachi was actually willing to stay by my side if I never found anyone?!_

"So who is it?! Is it someone I know? Is it someone from the Service Club? Is it someone from another school? Wait, it had better not be that Totsuka guy!"

"What's wrong with Totsuka?"

Suddenly the room temperature dropped by about 40 degrees.

 **"Onii-chan. It's not Totsuka. Right?"**

"N-No, it's not Totsuka. This person is female."

Like a light switch had been flipped, she instantly reverted back to her usual bubbly self.

 _Imoutos are scary._

"Haha, of course not. So, who is it then? It's gotta be someone I know, right?"

"Yeah. It's someone you know."

"I knew it! So then it has to be someone from Sobu. Is it Yukinoshita-san?"

"No, as you know we're not even friends."

"Oh. Well I guess Yuigahama-san isn't a bad choice. Although she is a little on the slow side..."

"No Komachi, it's not her either."

"Don't tell me it's that cheap but obviously inferior copy of me who thinks she's cute?"

 _Whoa. Maybe a little bit of jealousy there._

"No Komachi. That's still wrong."

"Is it Kawasaki then?"

 _Oh. So that was her name. Wait, if she knew that then she must be spending a lot of time with that parasitic brother of hers! I have to protect my imouto's chastity if it's the last thing I do!_

"Onii-chan! You know it's really not polite to lead a girl on! Stop with the suspense and just tell me already!"

 _This is really it. There's no coming back from this._

"Komachi, I'm going to tell you everything, just like I promised. But, before I tell you who it is, I need you to promise me something in return."

She pulled back a little, clearly caught off guard by my bizarre request.

"Um, okay. What do you want?"

"When I say who it is, no matter what you think about it, no matter how it makes you feel, no matter what society may say about it, I need you to keep it an absolute secret."

"Please don't tell me it's a loli. I can deal with a lot but if my Onii-chan is going after illegal girls there may be a problem."

"No! What kind of monster do you think I am?!"

"I was just making sure! After you said all that weird stuff I didn't know what to think."

"No. Actually, you see, the girl who's caught my eye is a little bit on the older side."

"Ew, it's not Haruno-senpai is it? I don't know what it is but something about that girl just screams danger to me."

 _You and me both._

"No Komachi, the woman who's peaked my interest is a little bit older than that."

"Huh?"

 _Just say the words. Stop dancing around it and say it. JUST DO IT-_

"It's Hiratsuka-sensei."

The silence that followed was so absolute that you could have heard a pen drop.

* * *

"...Well?"

Komachi was just staring right through me, her eyes not appearing to be focused on anything.

"I know it's a lot to take in but-"

She suddenly grabbed my head and leaned forward, getting right up in my face and forcing me to look at her.

"Hachiman. This isn't a joke, right?

 _I can't remember the last time I heard her say my first name. I really have blown it, haven't I?_

"No. How could I joke about something like this?"

...

 _Please, just say something._

"Does she make you happy?"

"What?"

"Your teacher. Does she make you happy? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?"

"Yes."

"Can you see yourself marrying her?"

"Yes."

"Are you hopelessly in love with her?"

"Yes."

"...You do know that what you want is against the law, right?"

"Yes."

"You know that if you go down this route, you'll probably lose all of your friends at the Service Club and you'll have to start your life over somewhere else, right?"

"Well they're not exactly my friends-"

"Don't dodge the question."

"...Yes."

"You know that this could ruin your life forever if you come out with this, right?"

"Yes."

"Yet despite all of this, you still want to pursue her?"

"Without a doubt."

She slowly leaned back and climbed off of me, finally returning to her previous seat on the bed.

"...Okay."

"Okay what?"

"You win. I can tell that you aren't lying. I can't say that this was what I expected, or that it will work out in your favor, but it's not my place to tell you that your feelings aren't genuine."

"Wait, you mean-"

"I accept it. Your feelings for your sensei, the decision you've made to pursue her. I'll support you with whatever you try."

 _This can't be real._

"Komachi…"

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I always knew that the one you chose wouldn't be normal anyway!"

 _Fairy tales don't exist in real life._

"Maybe if it all works out I can be the flower girl. That way even if no one comes to the wedding I can at least be there to cheer you on!"

 _This sister of mine just accepted all that without even thinking about it._

"I may not be the best at it since I don't know a lot about weddings and stuff, but I can definitely try-"

I stood up.

"Komachi."

I walked forward until I was standing right in front of her.

"Komachi."

I slowly kneeled down until my head was touching the floor.

"Komachi..."

I was bowing in front of my sister.

"You don't know what this means to me. For all my life you've always been there and accepted all my shit at face value. There's nothing I can possibly due to repay you for your kindness. To me, you truly are the greatest sister, no, the greatest friend that I could ever ask for."

I could feel my throat clenching up and liquid pooling in my eyes, but I didn't care.

 _Now I know, that if nothing else I have this one genuine thing in my life._

The next thing I knew my head was being lifted off the ground. I was staring into my sister's face, and she was on her knees just like I was.

Komachi's hands softly cupped my cheeks, and she showed me a true smile. One that only comes from being in the presence of someone you absolutely trust.

"Of course I'm going to support you no matter what, that's my job as your imouto-chan. No matter how many points you have, no matter what anyone thinks about you, no matter what any of my friends say, I'll always love you."

She hugged me. I hugged her in return.

So we sat there, just holding each other in the middle of her bedroom.

I don't know how much time passed, but for the first time in a very long time I was truly satisfied.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Yeah. So about the whole fast updating thing, I'm really sorry about that. Life has kinda been getting in the way a lot. I really do think I should be able to start updating every week or two now, but with the way things have been going I can't promise you anything.**_

 _ **Also, on another note.**_

 _ **HOLY FUCKING SHIT SEASON 3 SEASON 3 SEASON 3 SEASON 3 SEASON 3 SEASON 3 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**_ _ **(Childish Fanboying intensifies)**_

 _ **I can't believe it lads. It's actually happening. We get to go on one last ride together. I never thought this day would happen.**_

 _ **Hikigaya would say that hard work betrays none, but dreams betray many. In some exceptionally rare cases though, dreams really do come true.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Optimism.**_

 _ **A feeling where one is confident about the future, usually due to favorable circumstances surrounding the individual or the belief in said individual's ability to succeed.**_

 _ **Some would say that optimism is a state of mind, and that regardless of outside influences people can choose to look at the bright side of things. Personally, I think that's a little naïve, since it's hard to imagine being optimistic if you're a thirty year-old NEET living in your mother's basement, but I suppose hoping for a better future, even if it's unfounded, is the only thing keeping such people alive. In that sense I concede that optimism is a state of mind, since it's something that people can choose to wield as a crutch to get them through hard times.**_

 _ **However, the monster of logic within me vilifies that portrayal of optimism as rose-tinted nonsense. Objectively, one needs to be in a good situation compared to others in order for them to truly be optimistic about the future. You can hope all you want, but if there are no results, no concrete things that you can boast about, then your optimism is nothing but a false sense of security.**_

 _ **Nonetheless, regardless of one's philosophies about optimism, I can honestly say that for the first time in quite a while, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about my future.**_

* * *

The morning after my confrontation with Komachi was quite unusual.

For one, I didn't even need my alarm clock to wake up, since my consciousness had been roused from the depths before the light from the sun could fully manifest outside my window. As a borderline-nocturnal creature who values sleep above everything except Komachi and maybe Totsuka, this was strange to say the least.

Which brings me to my second point, where my mind didn't feel clouded when I fully awoke from slumber and my eyes didn't feel dead when I opened them up. Being somewhat perplexed by my distinct lack of tiredness, I walked over to my bathroom mirror (with what could be confused as a pep in my step), and discovered the third weird thing about me today.

Now it could be a trick of the eyes, since I did just wake up after all, but if I didn't know any better I'd say my dead fish eyes were looking more lively than usual. In fact, upon further examining my face, I could even see the glimpse of a smile starting to form. Which takes me to the fourth, and most important thing that was off about me this morning.

 _I can't feel my bitter cynicism and angst towards society!? It seems too good to be true, but I think I'm actually experiencing something like contentment right now. Huh..._

Well leaving aside my bizarre lack of copious resentment for riajuus across the world, the rest of my morning was more or less what I'm used to.

After checking all the personal hygiene boxes of society, I headed downstairs and enjoyed a fairly typical, if not a bit more relaxed, breakfast with Komachi. The bike ride to school that followed was also pretty standard, as were my classes and the unfortunate feelings that came along with attending said classes due to the affections I had developed for a certain teacher, which at this point I accepted as the new normal for me.

The ringing of the last bell, followed by exclamations of riajuus to go karaoke singing and me rushing to escape the room before Hiratuka-Sensei noticed me were, all things considered, not worthy of attention.

Yuigahama's displeasure at being left behind, displayed by her "Mou Hikki's!" and light shoulder punches, were also not so different from usual. My attendance at the Service Club and the banter that ensued with the school's local ice queen was all, for lack of a better word, ordinary.

Lastly, Isshiki's random and unannounced entrance into the Service Club, followed by her yet again figuring out a way to use me as her corporate slave by dragging me off to tidy up the student council's room, was all par for the course.

What wasn't par for the course was when she suddenly asked me to go on a practice date with her over the weekend. Apparently, if Isshiki's word is anything to go by, girls need to work up a lot of courage and experience before confessing to their dream guy, so she decided to use me as a springboard to psyche herself up and test out her feminine (AKA foxy) charms before making the big leap to Hayama.

Of course I denied her request vehemently, preferring to spend my free time alone with Vita-chan, but unfortunately she has a way of posturing and speaking such that you want to protect her at all costs. This was severely exacerbated by my latent onii-chan instincts, which tend to take over whenever she's around. Plus, the sudden and unexplainable onset of excitement I've had since this morning wasn't helping me seem disappointed when I was pleading my case to go home. Lastly, I guess hanging out with Isshiki isn't the worst way to spend my day. For all her faults she's not a bad conversation partner, and her foxy nature can even be somewhat endearing on occasion.

* * *

Waiting in the middle of a park all by my lonesome for over 30 minutes was not, however, what I would consider endearing. She had messaged me the night before saying we would be going to a local park in Chiba, and to be there at twelve o'clock sharp (since making a girl wait is a grievous sin or something). Yet lo and behold, I was the one waiting on her foxy self to show up for a practice date that she suggested.

 _You'd better be glad patience is one of my 108 loner skills Isshiki, or else I'd have abandoned you long ago. Also, I think the park security guard is watching me now, so if I tried to leave at this point he would probably end up chasing me, and I can't make Komachi the sister of a criminal. Truly, my altruism knows no bounds._

"Yahallo Senpai!" Isshiki enthusiastically yelled as she approached me, snapping me out of my mental reverie.

She was wearing some cutesy white and pink neko t-shirt with a knee-length skirt that had way too many bright colors on it. She was carrying a hot pink purse on her right shoulder, and as she got closer I noticed she had painted her nails to match the color of her purse.

Basically, she had spent a decent amount of time dressing up for this practice date and probably wanted me to compliment her appearance.

"Ordinarily I would say it took you long enough, but out of the kindness of my heart I'm going to assume you had a legitimate reason to keep me stranded here for over half an hour."

 _I guess I am a bit salty, as the Americans would say._

"Are you hitting on me?! While I appreciate you thinking the best of me I like direct compliments better so maybe if you said something nice about me to my face you would get farther but your social awkwardness kind of kills it for me so unfortunately I can't go out with you." She said quickly with a cute bow.

 _This girl. I swear if you get any foxier scientists will have to come up with a new species of fox just to describe you._

"I heard you clearly the first 100 times I got rejected, but it's good to know that my loner training keeps girls like you away. I'll consider that a win." I said in the smuggest voice I could possibly muster up.

I could see Isshiki falter for just a moment, and in those few glorious seconds it seemed like I might actually come out on top of our little greeting ritual. Unfortunately, like a fox toying with its prey she quickly dropped the hammer on my battered soul.

"Mou! You lose 100 points out the gate for insulting my feminine charms and being an all around hikijerk. If you don't step it up soon you'll be past the point of recovery." Isshiki said in an equally smug voice to my own.

 _I'm pretty sure I've been past the point of recovery for awhile now, so I'll take that as a compliment too._

"Yeah alright I'm a hikiwhatever-kun. Anyway, since you've taken all this time to get here I'm sure you must've come up with some grand vision for a perfect practice date right?" I asked, genuinely wondering what had taken her so long as well as where we would be going for the day.

"Minus another 100 points! Any gentlemen would know that it's his job to keep a lady entertained during a date."

"Oi! I may be a hikiwhatever-kun but you're the one who asked me to come in the first place! Not to mention _you're_ the one who kept _me_ waiting, and besides this isn't even a real date anyway-"

"Minus 200 points for arguing with the girl you're dating! Wow, you're really not good at this huh?" Isshiki proudly proclaimed, having successfully boxed me into a corner.

 _So this is the power of highschool girls. From the very beginning she had me wrapped around her finger. Scary._

"I accept my defeat. Please have mercy upon this poor loner and give me a break this time." I pleaded, deciding that continuing to fight would only further entangle me in her web.

"Hmm. Since you saw the error of your ways and apologized I guess I can cut you some slack. You gain back 5 points." Isshiki said with her hand under her chin in a thinking pose, as if she was really calculating my "points" in her head.

"Well, I figured you wouldn't have anything planned, so your wonderful kohai already came up with something to do for the evening! Aren't I the greatest?" She said with her arms clasped behind her back and that ever-present foxy smile on her face.

 _Wait, weren't you just going on about how it's the man's responsibility to come up with these things?!_

"The place I have in mind is sure to surprise you, so let's go!" She said, suddenly grabbing my hand and leading me off to who knows where.

* * *

"I have to say Isshiki, this definitely isn't like anything I was expecting going into this." I said as I looked up at the fish-themed sign in front of me.

All around us were families and couples holding stuffed dolls of Lara and Luna, the two stars of Kamogawa Sea World, the largest aquarium in Chiba.

"I know, but that's why I decided to come here. I wanted to do something out of the ordinary for once since things have been so boring and stale ever since I became the student council president."

I felt a pang of guilt as she said that, since I had essentially forced her into a job she wanted no part of.

"You know, if you're ever having issues with your position you can ask me for help. I know it seems like I don't like helping, and to be honest I really don't like helping, but for you I'd be willing to make an exception."

Isshiki took a step back from me and I could see the hint of a blush forming on her cheeks.

"Eh?! Are you asking me out right here in front of everybody? While I appreciate the effort and courage it took to confess like this I'm not good at dealing with surprise situations so I can't go out with you right now."

I pretended I didn't notice the strange glances from everyone around us.

"Come on Isshiki, you know I didn't mean it that way..." I mumbled out, furiously trying and failing to activate my Stealth Hikki.

"I know, but one day I'm going to ask you to take responsibility for real. You never know, it could be sooner than you think." She said with a straight face.

Staring at her in stupefaction, I wasn't sure how to respond to that. We just kind of stood there looking at each other for a few seconds, before she finally decided to break the tension by walking ahead of me and into the aquarium.

"Well, aren't you coming?" She asked cutely turning her head around, as if that awkward moment hadn't just happened.

"Y-Yeah, sure." I stumbled out, following her into the depths of Kamogawa Sea World.

* * *

While I admit to being put off by Isshiki's strangely serious display a few moments earlier, it seems like I was worried for no reason. So far she's been doing pretty ordinary things like taking selfies of herself in front of the fish and asking me what I liked most about the aquarium (I said the MAXX vending machine, and she detracted another 50 points from my dating score for being 'oblivious to the atmosphere', whatever that means).

Then again, the whole idea of a practice date to psyche yourself up for the one you're really after is so foreign and incomprehensible to me that I have no idea what passes for normal nowadays. I'm not sure whether Japanese youth have become so degenerate or Isshiki really is _that_ foxy, but I feel like it's better for my mental health if I just don't question it and pretend this is something that all civilized people do.

"Senpai! This is supposed to be a date, not a time for one of your stupid misanthropic rants." Isshiki said, having come over from a stingray exhibit to reprimand me once she realized I wasn't doting on her like a proper white knight should.

 _I guess I said all of that out loud, I really need to stop doing that. Also I didn't know Isshiki even knew a word like misanthropic, maybe I've been underestimating her..._

"First of all they aren't misanthropic rants, they're objectively accurate assessments of human society that people could benefit from hearing. Second, this isn't even an actual date, it's just practice so that-"

"It doesn't matter what it is! Right now there's a cute girl in front of you who's willing to sacrifice her precious time, that she could be spending with anyone else, on you! Gosh senpai, it's no wonder you haven't got a girlfriend yet when you can't even take something like this seriously. I would subtract another 100 points for monologuing like a wierdo in public, but at this point you're so far into the negatives that it's useless to keep score anymore." Isshiki sighed as she threw her hands up in exasperation.

 _Whatever. She's only 'sacrificing her precious time' with me so that she can get closer to Hayama. It's not like her intentions are so noble or upstanding. Her outrage may have worked on me when I was in middle school, but my years as a loner have made me immune to such low-level attacks._

While I was internally complaining about Isshiki's behavior, I hadn't noticed that the girl in question had gone still, no longer engaging me but instead choosing to stare at the ground. Before I could come up with a suitable response to her pout, she suddenly looked up at me with the most pitiful face I've ever seen.

"A-Am I really that boring to you? Do you honestly wish you didn't have to be here with me?" Isshiki said in a low voice, looking up at me with hurt and insecurity in her now watery eyes.

I felt a pang of guilt shoot through my soul upon seeing her dejected face.

 _What have I done? I've made a younger girl cry, I have to fix this or I won't be able to face my family!_

"No, that's not it at all Isshiki! I like being around you, I'm just not good at social interaction and so I pass the time by withdrawing into my thoughts. Just tell me what you want to do and I promise I'll try my best to make it enjoyable." I spat out quickly trying to salvage the situation.

As if a light switch had been flipped, her frown turned into a beaming smile and her sullen eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Ok senpai! Then for our next stop how about we go to the gift shop and get some ice cream. All this walking has made me hungry and I heard they give a 50% discount for people who order the couples' sundae." Isshiki happily said, as if she didn't look totally devastated just a few seconds ago.

 _Damn that woman and her foxy charms! She keeps appealing to my onii-chan instincts and I keep falling for it like the weakling I am!_

"You weren't really offended at all were you? You just wanted an excuse to eat cheap ice cream." I mumbled out, trying to recover some of the dignity I'd just lost.

"That's not true senpai, I really was hurt back there!" She exclaimed in false indignation, still pretending to be upset at my callous behavior.

"But you know, it really was nice of you to admit you like being around me. I actually felt my heart skip a beat that time but unfortunately I don't do surprise confessions so I have to turn you down." Isshiki stated, hitting me with yet another rejection.

"What are you talking about? I never-"

"Oh, so you didn't admit that you like my company when you were apologizing to me?" She said with the smug face to top all other smug faces.

All at once, the magnitude of what I had stammered out when foolishly attempting to cheer Isshiki up hit me like a freight train. I could only hang my head in abject defeat, having once again been trumped by the fierce fox, wielder of smug faces and slayer of men.

 _Yeah, I definitely underestimated her. Note to self: Isshiki's intelligence is at least one standard deviation higher than yours, don't pick a fight with her unless you want to be emasculated._

"Let's just go get some ice cream alright?" I asked, hoping to move on and pretend this exchange never happened.

"Of course senpai, we wouldn't want you to lose any more points right?" She said with mirth, like a fox gloating over its dying prey.

 _I really should have just stayed home with Vita-chan today._

* * *

Despite what happened earlier, I couldn't fault Isshiki for her decision to get some ice cream. I was pretty hungry myself and the selections in front of us all looked pretty good.

"So what'll it be for you two?" The vendor, a middle-aged guy with a Luna hat on, asked us as we stepped up to the counter.

"I'll take a-"

"We want the couples' delight please!" Isshiki yelled out quickly before I could place my order.

"Sure thing!" the vendor said as we retreated into the back of the store to make our ice cream.

Still reeling from my last defeat, I at least mustered up the strength to glare at Isshiki for denying me my mint chip ice cream.

Noticing my glare, she whirled around and fired off another salvo about how girls like guys who go with the flow and other such nonsense.

Before I could come up with a suitable response the vendor returned with our order.

"Here you go! I remember when I was your age, dumb and madly in love. Try to make the most of it while you still can, 'cause trust me, once you enter the world of adults it's all down hill from there." The man said mostly in jest, but I could detect a slight tinge of melancholy buried within that smirk.

"Don't worry sir, I'm doing my best to train him now so that he'll make a great househusband!"

 _I guess she isn't technically wrong. I am trying to be a househusband, and if all of Isshiki's nonsense turns out to be relevant than I may end up owing her later on._

The man's boisterous laughter interrupted my thoughts, as we walked over to the nearest seat and he focused his attention on taking the next order.

* * *

I had only just started digging into the couples' delight, an extravagant sundae that I had to admit was better than I thought it would be, when Isshiki hit me with a surprisingly personal question out of nowhere.

"If you had to be completely honest, what would your dream girl be like senpai?"

Not expecting this sudden turn of events, I stopped eating the ice cream and stared at her with a confused look on my face. For a brief moment I questioned my own hearing, but upon seeing her intent gaze I realized that she truly had asked me who I envisioned as my ideal female companion.

"My dream girl? Surely you know better than anyone that my dead fish eyes and rotten personality would scare off any decent woman before I even got a foot in the door." I opened with my typical self-depreciating style, hoping that she would move on from this strange topic and talk about something more mundane like the taste of the ice cream or the myriad ways that I was ruining our date.

"Come on senpai. If you had to describe just a few things you would want in a girlfriend, what would they be?" Isshiki pressed on, ignoring my attempt to halt this conversation.

"Why are you so adamant about this? It's not like you to be interested in my opinion on anything, much less my opinion on the fairer sex." I tried again to steer the topic away from whatever this was, fearing that she may hit a little too close to home if she grilled me too hard.

"Do I need a reason? I'm just trying to make conversation senpai. You know it's not good to argue with your partner on a date." She said in a chastising manner.

 _Well she's got me there. Alright, I suppose I can humor her for a little bit if she's really so curious._

"While I've never actually had a girlfriend, nor do I see myself obtaining one in the near future, a must-have quality for any theoretical partner of mine is complete honesty. If we can't be honest with each other than in my opinion the relationship is doomed, since neither of us would be able to rely on each other in times of trouble."

Isshiki looked a little taken aback by my answer, clearly expecting something different.

"Really? I'm kinda surprised senpai, I thought for sure you would say something like her income or ability to cook..." Isshiki trailed off.

"Don't get me wrong, things like her SES, family status, home economics knowledge, appearance, and personality do matter. I just think the most important thing is honesty, since relationships are based on trust and you can never fully trust someone if you aren't being honest with them." I stated plainly, not considering any of my criteria to be drastically profound.

 _Wait a second, why is her face like three shades redder than it was a second ago?!_

"I-I know it's not much to go on but you wanted my opinion so-"

"D-Don't worry about it! I'm not disappointed or anything, I just wasn't expecting something so..."

"Creepy?" I interjected, thinking I had messed up somehow.

"Admirable." She whispered, glancing down towards the melting ice cream on the table.

Before either of us could make sense of the situation, the announcement bell rung overhead letting us know that the main attractions of the aquarium, the killer whales Lara and Luna, would be performing in 15 minutes.

"You'd better hurry up senpai, we don't want to be late for the main event!" Isshiki said as she suddenly started devouring her half of the sundae.

For some inexplicable reason, I started to feel a pit of anxiety well up in my stomach.

 _Maybe there's more to this practice date than she's letting on._

* * *

We managed to arrive at the stadium moments before the big show started.

All around me I could see the excitement in the audience as they waited for the stars of the aquarium to come out. Children were anxiously squirming in their seats while parents took out their phones to record the show, likely trying to make their lives seem more interesting on social media then they actually are.

Regardless, I can't say I'm totally detached from the situation. It's been years since I've done anything outside of school or enjoying the life of a loner at home. I may have gotten up to some interesting things since I've joined the service club but nothing on this scale, nothing where I've gone to a place just to have fun.

 _Especially not alone with a girl, even if she is foxy._

Looking at Isshiki, I could tell she was feeling the same way. She probably didn't want to show it for fear of seeming immature, but the grin on her face and the tapping of her feet gave her away.

"WHO'S EXCITED TO BE HERE TODAY!" The leader of the show screamed into a microphone, interrupting me from my thoughts.

Cheers and shouts rang out from the crowd, and after going through the typical pep talk that entertainers give to build up the crowd's anticipation, the whales were finally brought out.

For the next hour, I saw some of the largest animals perform some of the wildest maneuvers imaginable. From playing catch with huge toys to surfing with the trainers on their backs to "walking" on the water with their tailfins to leaping several meters in the air, those whales put on a hell of a show.

When it was finally over you could feel the disappointment in the audience at having to go back home and continue their mundane lives, no longer able to stay in the aquarium and witness such a spectacular display of nature.

* * *

As Isshiki and I left the main arena where the show was being held, I just happened to look up and saw that it was already dark outside.

 _Wait, that means I've been here for almost 8 hours now! What the hell, how did I not notice the day getting away from me?!_

You see, I'm usually pretty good at keeping track of the time, since every second that passes by when I'm not at home is one second less 'till I can return home. For me to lose myself in the moment like this, I would have to be...

 _Huh. I guess today wasn't so bad after all-_

"SENPAI!" Isshiki screeched in my ear, moving to stand in front of me with her arms crossed.

"You didn't have to shout, I can hear you just fine."

"Clearly not! I kept trying to ask you what you thought of the show and you didn't even stop to look at me!"

"Oh, s-sorry, I guess I just got distracted."

Isshiki sighed loudly, like a parent exasperated with their child.

"Yeah, I guess I should've expected that. I was hoping the show would fix that gloomy expression of yours but oh well. It's not your fault you didn't enjoy it." Isshiki said, trying to play it off as casual banter.

I didn't buy it though. Even though she's usually pretty sly, I could tell I had upset her by not acting thrilled about the show.

 _She must have really thought about this a lot. Even though she made it seem like this practice date was something she came up with on the fly, I can tell it meant something more. The real question though is why? Why does this practice date matter so much to her?_

Isshiki was walking away from me now, but there was a noticeable drop in her posture compared to before.

 _It doesn't matter right now, there's something more important I need to do._

I quickly caught up to her so that we were walking side by side.

"Hey Isshiki." I mumbled out, my eyes suddenly deciding the sky was the most interesting thing to look at.

Clearly surprised by me being the one to start up a conversation, she turned her head to look at me.

"Uhh, it's been a really long time since I've gone anywhere with, well, anyone and..." I paused, struggling to find the right words to say.

"You could say this is the most fun I've had in awhile."

Her footsteps suddenly stopped as she fell behind me. Turning around to look at her, I saw her cheeks tinted with a hue of pink as the corners of her lips were twitching into a smile.

"W-What kind of line is that huh? Your honesty made my heart flutter a bit but that delivery was so lame. Maybe if your presentation was better I would have been swept off my feet but for now I can't go out with you." Isshiki said, clearly feeling better than she was a few moments ago.

"Yeah whatever. Anyway, it's starting to get pretty late. Komachi is probably worried sick wondering where I am and I'm sure you have president-related stuff to attend to before the weekend ends."

"Senpai, I'm pretty sure you just said something suspicious." Isshiki said in a deadpan voice.

"What are you implying? Do you think I'm a bad brother or something?" I asked, slightly offended that Isshiki doubted the deep connection between an onii-chan and his imouto.

"More like you're an obsessed brother." Isshiki mumbled under her breath, just loud enough for me to hear.

Pretending to ignore that, I decided to head home, satisfied that my "practice date" actually turned out to be enjoyable.

"Wait, senpai, where are you going?!"

Or not?

"I'm going home, obviously."

"Minus 1,000 points for walking out on your date!"

"How did I walk out on you-"

"I never said that this date was over!"

 _Uh, I'm pretty sure the fact that the day is over means the date is over. Also, should I be concerned that she's starting to drop the word practice in these dates she keeps taking me on?_

"Well, unless you know somewhere fun to go that's still open after 9 o'clock at night and also isn't illegal for minors, I think it is over."

"Ha! That's where you're wrong senpai, because I do have such a place in mind!"

"Oh really, and what would that be?"

In response to my question, she took out a little flyer from her purse and shoved it into my face.

"A fireworks show?" I asked, somewhat surprised that she would think of something like this.

 _Then again, after that Sea World adventure I'm not sure if I can say anything..._

"Mhmm! When I first started looking at things to do for this date two weeks ago I realized that there was a huge fireworks show happening at 10 o'clock in Chiba tonight!"

"But why did you wait until now to point that out to me? Couldn't you have just said we were going to a fireworks show earlier today?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise silly! What fun is a date if there's no action!" Isshiki said enthusiastically.

I sighed internally, reminding myself that I should expect nothing less from this foxy kohai.

"So, are you ready to go senpai?" Isshiki asked, essentially forcing me to come along.

"Hah. Alright, we can go." I droned out.

"Hey, what's with that reaction, didn't you just say you've had a lot of fun so far!" Isshiki pouted.

"This and that are two different things!" I responded, thinking of Komachi all by herself at home with no one to protect her.

"Whatever, I'm sure you'll really like it once we get there." Isshiki said as she walked ahead of me once again.

"Yeah. You might be right." I whispered to myself, not wanting her to become more full of herself than she already is.

As we were heading to the fireworks show, however, the monster of logic within me latched onto her words from a few minutes ago.

 _Wait a second, didn't she say that she spent over two weeks looking up things to do for this practice date? When she popped the idea to me in the student council room I thought it was something she'd done on a whim, but no matter how you look at it there's no way to justify this being something simple like that. People spend less than two weeks preparing for family vacations, nobody would spend that amount of time on a practice date that doesn't even matter._

Once again I felt that sinking feeling in my stomach.

Watching Isshiki happily skipping in front of me, I prayed to every god that I could think of that I was wrong about my hypothesis as I walked behind her towards the climax of our practice date.

* * *

By the time we arrived at the field where the fireworks show was being held, the sun had completely gone down. Similar to the experience at Sea World, the crowd was waiting in anticipation as the fireworks would begin shooting off any minute. Unlike before though, this time there was no announcer to signal the start of the show or rile up the audience. It was a free event after all, so there wasn't much point in trying to draw people into the event; you either liked it or you went somewhere else.

Isshiki and I had taken our seats near the back of the field, since we didn't want to go through the hassle of having to push our way through thousands of people just to go home. Plus, it was just more convenient to sit in the back, since you could easily see the entire display at this distance.

I never understood the people who love sitting at the front of immersive experiences. I mean sure, they may get to see everything up close, but often times they miss what's going on at the periphery. Some may find it preferable to see a snapshot of an event clearly, but I would much rather see it in its entirety, even if I have to give up some clarity in the process.

"Senpai look, the show is starting!"

Shaken out of my monologue, I looked up to see massive balls of multicolored fire exploding in the sky, signaling the beginning of the entertainment.

As the shockwaves of the explosions reached my ears and the smell of burnt gunpowder wafted through my nostrils, I thought back to my life before I joined the Service Club.

 _You know, sometimes I'm not sure whether I've changed or the environment around me has. It's hard to believe that just a year ago I had no contacts in my phone outside my immediate family, and now I'm sitting here watching fireworks with a girl I helped get elected to the student council. I still remember on that bridge what Hiratsuka told me, that the heart was the one thing I couldn't calculate. I may never be able to calculate the human experience, but with my methods I've found I don't have to. People fall into place so easily when confronted with the right stimuli that it's honestly kind of scary. If anything the last year of my life should have further entrenched my beliefs that society is rotten to the core._

I felt something soft.

Looking down, I saw that Isshiki had taken hold of my hand. I wasn't sure what to think for a minute, until I realized that her eyes were still locked onto the aurora of plasma above us.

 _Ah. She unconsciously grabbed my hand in the excitement, of course that's all there is to it._

Nonetheless, that bubbling excitement in my chest wouldn't go away.

 _Just like the rotten feeling that always shows up whenever I solve problems my way. No matter how clear cut things are, I can never cut out those emotions entirely. If the butterflies that come with a simple misunderstanding or the pain that follows from a harsh rejection are the machinations of the heart, then maybe it's not unreasonable to say that the heart is the enemy of logic._

Isshiki's grip tightened as the array of pyrotechnics intensified, a sure sign that the grand finale was imminent. Many in the crowd stood up, cheering at the top of their lungs like they were happy just to be alive.

In that moment I turned to Isshiki to gauge her reaction, but was surprised to see her staring at me like nothing else mattered.

"I-Isshiki, you're missing the finale-"

"Senpai, I love you."

The crowd reached a crescendo as the last set of explosions echoed throughout the night sky, the cheers all around us completely drowning out this moment.

Before I could come up with a reply, I once again felt something soft, except this time on my lips.

Isshiki was kissing me.

Isshiki Iroha was kissing me.

I, Hikigaya Hachiman, was being kissed by a high school girl at a fireworks show.

She separated from me after a few seconds, clearly not used to doing this.

Our hearts were out of control. Our minds were out of control. No, this whole situation was out of control.

"S-Senpai, will you take responsibility?" Isshiki asked, her mouth so close to my own that I could feel her warm breath.

 _So that's how it is. It turns out the monster of logic was the greatest fool all along._

"I can't..."

The silence hung in the air, like a guillotine dangling above our heads.

I saw her face quickly transition from anxious, to surprised, to hurt, to devastated. The water pooling at the bottom of her eyes quickly spilled over into a deluge of despair and I knew that my relationship with Isshiki would never be the same.

"But you promised." Isshiki whispered.

"I didn't think-"

"YOU'RE A LIAR SENPAI!" Isshiki screamed at the top of her lungs as everyone around us continued to celebrate, too absorbed in the spectacle to be concerned with the angst of two teenagers on a nameless hill.

Right as I thought things couldn't get any worse, I heard the voices of two people that should have been anywhere else.

"Hikki?"

"Hikigaya-san?"

As if the universe itself was trying to spite me, when I turned around I saw Yukinoshita and Yuigahama standing beside each other, with Haruno towering right behind them like an executioner ready to carry out a death sentence.

"W-What are you doing here?" I weakly said, not so much a question but rather a broken plea for something to make sense.

"Hmm~ I'm pretty sure we're the ones who should be asking you that question _Hikigaya-kun._ " Haruno's voice rang out, but this time with a malicious edge buried within her usual flirtatious tone.

"I-I had no idea things would turn out like this-"

"Yet here we are, watching you reject your poor kouhai in front of everyone. I never thought you'd be such a heartbreaker~"

 _Haruno, you're really not helping right now!_

"I told you-"

"Hikki..."

My carefully constructed argument died in my mouth the moment I looked at Yuigahama's face. I couldn't fool myself any longer, there was no way I was getting out of this without someone getting hurt. I was in too deep, and there was only one way out.

"Hah. Alright, I don't know why you're here or if this is a setup or whatever, but if you guys want the truth so badly that you're willing to throw away our status quo, then I won't stop you."

Their carefully constructed arguments died all the same once they knew they were getting a response. It's probably more accurate to say that none of us have any carefully constructed arguments since we're way past the point of rationality, but if we're gonna play this game I might as well keep up appearances.

"The reality is that yes, Isshiki-san did confess to me. I had no idea this was a real date until a few minutes ago when she stole my first kiss. Speaking of said confession, it's also true that I just turned Isshiki-san down. If you're curious as to why, it's because there's someone else I like."

Despite the chaos of the situation I saw both Yuigahama and Yukinoshita's eyes light up like a Christmas tree. It seems their feelings on this matter trumped both their awareness and sense of decency to comfort someone who just got rejected, but that's okay because they're about to be in the same position.

"If you're hoping that person is one of you, then I'm sorry to say you'd be wrong." I answered harshly and to the point, leaving no room for speculation.

Just like that, they shriveled up before me like wilting flowers. All their joy had left them, their smiles and optimism gone, and I wasn't even finished yet. I know there's been some pretty deplorable people throughout history, but if you asked me right now to name the worst one I'd struggle to find any more worthy of scorn than myself. Yukinoshita was right all along, truly I am a miserably decadent human being.

"You may not be the ones who defeated this monster of logic, but you know who did. She's almost ten years my senior, smokes so much she's probably gonna keel over before she's 50, knows more about manga than most middle school boys, and just got engaged to some guy I don't even know who's probably better than me in every way. I guess you could say I'm a degenerate who fell for the sensei trope." I finished in my usual self-depreciating style, with a rotten smirk plastered on my face to top it all off.

 _Heh, what have I done? I just ruined everything I cared about in less than 10 sentences. I know I'm horrible but is it even possible for me to sink lower than this? Look at their faces, there's no coming back from this I crushed them it's over I can't believe I'm standing here with a smile on my face like I didn't just destroy the last 2 years of my life what the actual fuck is wrong with me-_

They're gone.

No words were exchanged. No tears were shed. No attempts to understand were made. The three of them just turned around and left, unable to contribute anything after having their youth crushed in a few seconds.

"I have to say Hikigaya-kun, I don't think I've ever seen someone destroy their life so quickly, and I've seen a lot of shattered dreams."

Of course _she_ would stick around. The others may be devastated but Haruno has no dog in this fight other than her own amusement.

"I guess it's pointless to ask now, but was this whole thing staged?" The monster's curiosity temporarily blocked out the overwhelming sensation of loss prickling at the edges of my mind.

"Fufu, I wish I could say this was my idea, but no Hikigaya-kun you thoroughly destroyed yourself. Fate just gave you the rope you needed to hang yourself." Haruno responded in that jovial tone of hers, as if this were a conversation about the weather.

"But if that's the case then why were you here, and what was with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama showing up at just the right time to see my all time blunder with Isshiki?"

"Oh, so you're not even using their honorifics anymore? I guess they're less than worthless to you now that your friendship is over huh? You're so cold Hikigaya-kun, you're really turning out to be just the kind of monster I thought you were~"

"Does it really matter at this point? I just lost three people who may have been the first friends I ever had. Sorry if I'm not feeling polite enough to use their honorifics." I replied dully, the feeling of loss growing from a faint prickling to a solid hammering in my brain.

"Oh fine, I guess I can give you this much. You see the reason we were here is because the Yukinoshita family has historically been one of the main sponsors of this event in particular, with our money covering anywhere from a third to one-half of the total costs. Of course my parents are too busy networking with other snobs to give a damn about the show itself, so Yukinoshita and I tend to wander around and look at the fireworks while they condescendingly host other rich families to remind them how superior the Yukinoshitas are. Of course I would rather just not come at all, and I'm sure Yukinoshita feels the same way, but we have to show up for appearances and what not. Luckily Yukinoshita and I only have to be present for the initial celebrations to pose as good little dolls and then we're free to go wherever we want, and that's when we happened to stumble upon you~" Haruno finished with a grin, clearly savoring this turn of events.

"So you're telling me Isshiki picking this location to end our date and your family being here was a complete coincidence?" I asked, not believing that the dice could have rolled against me this hard.

"Yep!"

"Let's say I decide to believe that, even so, that still doesn't explain why Yuigahama was here with you. If this was a family thing then why was she tagging along?"

"Jeez Hikigaya-kun, are you really this dense? Obviously Yukinoshita doesn't feel comfortable coming to something like this by herself. Sure I'm with her, but as you know our relationship isn't exactly healthy. She just texted that Yui-whatever last night and asked if she would like to come, and of course the airhead agreed like the sap she is. Once we were released to see the show she met up with her friend, and that's why she was there to hear that cringe-worthy confession." Haruno said with an air of superiority, making me feel even lower than I already do.

"Unbelievable. So if we had gone anywhere else this wouldn't have happened?" I asked, trying to look for something other than happenstance to blame for this fiasco.

"Pretty much!" Haruno replied, shooting down all my conjecture.

"Anyway, while this was an interesting end to the night I unfortunately have to go. I know my little Yukino-chan is bawling her eyes out right now and as her onee-san it's my responsibility to fix things like this. I'm sure you understand, being an older sibling yourself."

"Sure." I replied in a monotone voice, just wanting to go home at this point.

I turned to head back, but before I could get far I heard Haruno say something that sent chills down my spine.

"Don't think this means things are over Hikigaya. I'm not even close to being done with you yet."

I whipped my head back around to gauge her reaction but she had already distanced herself from me, walking in the opposite direction. I didn't feel like chasing her and it was already late anyway. At this point the day, no, this entire year has been a total and utter failure, and I want nothing more than to crawl in my bed and never wake up.

 _But still, I've never heard Haruno sound so serious before. It's the first time she's ever dropped my honorific..._

Putting that thought out of my mind, I started the long trek back to my house.

* * *

"Welcome back onee-chan, I really missed you! Kya! I bet that earned lots of Komachi points huh?" My little sister asked cheerfully, having tackle hugged me when I came in through the front door.

"Yeah, you're gonna set a record or something." I could tell my voice was dead but I didn't care, I just wanted this day to end.

After ruffling her hair for a few seconds, I made my way past her and headed up to my room. Locking the door behind me I fell face first onto my bed, not even bothering to change out of my clothes.

Rolling over onto my back I looked up at the ceiling aimlessly, repeating the day's events in my head.

"Optimism huh? It's almost like I forgot that youth is a lie."

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hey everybody, I'm not dead!**_

 _ **But yeah, it's been way too long. You see over the summer I actually went to Deutschland to work with Mercedes-Benz through an internship at their main factory in Stuttgart. I had to spend quite a bit of time learning German until I reached a somewhat conversational level, so that all took time away that I thought I'd have going into the summer.**_

 _ **Also, I'd heard about this series called Dark Souls for awhile and how it was supposed to be really difficult, and so I thought I'd give it a try and bought the Dark Souls Trilogy for my Xbox One X. Needless to say, I've become a Dark Souls addict and now know more about Dark Souls lore than my own family. Whenever I wasn't working for the internship I was blasting through Dark Souls and learning everything about the verse (Gael did nothing wrong and I will fight you in the fucking street if your opinion is wrong).**_

 _ **But yeah, I've beaten all the Dark Souls games and I'm no longer in Germany, so I have more time to write than I did before. Expect updates somewhat consistently FOR REAL THIS TIME.**_

 _ **Anyway I hope you guys liked this chapter, leave a review if you want to. I'm worried I may be making Hikigaya a bit OOC here but I think it's reasonable given he just lost everything he's worked to build up over the past year due to a colossal string of unfortunate events. If you guys think I'm butchering the characters just let me know and I'll try to incorporate your suggestions if I think they're reasonable.**_

 _ **See ya!**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Despair.**_

 _ **A feeling of hopelessness.**_

 _ **The sense that one has reached rock bottom and can't improve their situation no matter how hard they try.**_

 _ **Throughout my life I have felt many things. I've been angry, I've been annoyed, I've been happy, I've been curious, and sometimes I even feel sad. However, I can honestly say that I've never felt completely destroyed. Even when Kaori rejected me in middle school and I lost all my status, I still had Komachi back home to cheer me up. Since despair is the idea that there's nothing to look forward to, I've never felt it because I had that support at home. Even if I didn't have that pillar, I'm just not the type of person who would feel crushed due to a lack of external validation. I can always retreat into my mind if things become absolutely unbearable.**_

 _ **That's how it was, at least.**_

 _ **Now I'm not so sure. Now there's a constant ache in my chest whenever I'm reminded of my actions that night, which is all the time since my brain can't seem to forget it. Vita-chan and light novels no longer give me the rush of oxytocin they used to. Even Komachi's presence isn't able to lift this cloud in my mind.**_

 _ **For the first time I think I'm experiencing the "angst" that riajuu go through.**_

 _ **I don't like it.**_

* * *

My legs ached furiously and sweat poured down my face as I made my way up the huge hill in front of me. My mind wasn't really registering the pain though, since I had gotten used to excessively riding my bike.

It's been 2 weeks since the 'incident' with Isshiki, and I've yet to speak with anyone in the Service Club. That's not to say the Service Club hasn't reached out to me; the dozens of missed calls and unread text messages on my phone from Yuigahama are a constant reminder of my situation. But, I suppose that doesn't matter much anymore now that I've seen the truth.

It's quite simple really. It may have taken me some time to realize it since I thought myself different and tend to overanalyze things, but in the end I'm just a simple coward. My philosophical diatribes and metaphysical deconstructions of society are really just a defense mechanism to protect me from the reality that I was always the loser kid who got rejected in middle school. All this time I'd been lying to myself, convinced that I was successfully waging war against a cruel and oppressive society, but who am I kidding?

I couldn't even give an answer to a couple of high school girls. When the chips were down and it was time to be genuine, I crushed everything and ran away. Not because of some noble reason, or as a way to sacrifice myself for the greater good, no nothing altruistic like that. I came to the conclusion that addressing the feelings that I myself had created was too hard. So I did the same thing I did back in middle school, I ran away, retreating into the inner recesses of my mind where people don't get hurt and there's nothing expected of me. Even now I'm still running, still pedaling on this god forsaken bike to who knows where.

Yukino asked me to save her, but she really should have known better.

I couldn't save Hayama's clique.

I couldn't save that little girl from the field trip.

I couldn't save the school festival.

I couldn't save Isshiki's first love.

I can't save anyone.

I can't even save myself.

* * *

I tried to avoid eye contact with others as I trudged through the hallway to homeroom. I'd made a habit of avoiding contact with anyone besides my family, afraid that I might be asked questions I can't answer. Uncomfortable questions will lead to uncomfortable rumors, and before I know it it'll be middle school all over again.

Best to just cut my losses at this point, that's all a coward like me is good for anyway-

 _CRASH_

"Oof. Hey, watch where you're going Hikigaya. If I didn't know any better I'd think that was on purpose."

 _Great. Now I'm running into the last person I wanted to see. Literally._

"S-Sorry. I promise it won't happen again Hiratsuki-sensei."

"It better not, or I'll have to show you my ultimate taijutsu!" She said with a smirk on her face as she offered me her hand in assistance.

 _Stupid woman and her stupid manga references and her stupid beautiful smile and her stupid kindness-_

"Yeah, I don't think I want to experience that. Your Primary Lotus is already more than I can handle."

 _Stupid me and my stupid jokes and this stupid ache in my chest-_

"Don't you forget it! If you're late to homeroom I may have to give you a not so subtle reminder."

"Will do sensei." I finished lamely as I turned around and started walking away, desperately hoping to end this awkward situation.

"Hey, Hikigaya."

Her voice stopped me in my tracks. The mirth that was previously there had transitioned into something almost melancholic.

I didn't dare turn around, afraid that she would somehow see through everything if she could get a glimpse of my face.

My silence prompted her to continue.

"You know, if there's something bothering you don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether you like it or not there are people who want to listen to you. Don't shut them out just because it's convenient."

 _She knows doesn't she? The service club or Haruno must have told her everything, and now she's going to reject me like Kaori and I'm going to deserve it for being so worthless._

"Y-Yeah. I'll keep that in mind Sensei." I answered still facing away from her.

At this point I was hoping she would leave me alone. It felt like the hallway was on fire and I needed to get as far away as possible.

"I see." She calmly replied.

After a few more seconds of agonizing silence, the tension finally dissipated when I heard her heals start clicking on the ground, signaling her retreat.

I heaved an audible sigh of relief. My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest, and I swear there was a faint ringing in my ears.

By the time I'd regained my composure and felt stable enough to start walking towards my next class, I realized it had been 5 minutes.

I'm really losing it.

* * *

I could once again feel a piercing stare directed towards me, but this time from a certain well-endowed airhead.

 _This is like my dark days all over again. The social isolation isn't even so bad, it's the scorn and derision from such a nice girl that cuts the deepest. Even if she won't express it, I know Yuigahama must hate me more than anyone right now, and I completely deserve it._

Looking up at the clock, I saw I still had 5 minutes left until my last class was over. Over the last few days I haven't even been paying attention in class, I've just been burying my head in the sand hoping no one will notice me. Unfortunately even that's not been going so well since my Stealth Hikki is no match for Yuigahama's Super Penetrating Gaze. I don't know how much longer I can keep ignoring everyone, at some point there's going to have to be a confrontation.

 _I'm such a bastard. All this time I've been saying I want something genuine but here I am distancing myself from everyone because I'm afraid of the consequences. What did they even see in me?_

*RRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGG*

The sound of the bell simultaneously filled me with relief and dread. Relief that I'll be able to escape to the solitude of my home, and dread that Yuigahama will almost certainly try to talk to me about what happened. My fears were confirmed as I can already see her standing up through my peripheral vision, totally ignoring the rest of the clique. I guess she's been getting sick of my act and is going to approach me directly, an unusual strategy from a nice girl like her who operates through soft gestures and insinuations.

Loners always have an exit strategy though.

Before she can even take one step towards me, I've already stood up, hoisted my bag onto my shoulders, and started walking towards the opposite exit. By putting myself between her and the rest of our classmates, I've ensured that she won't be able to catch up to me, since she would have to push her way through others and sprint after me through the building in order to close the distance. Yuigahama is too polite to do either of those things, so I can rest assured that there will be no confrontation today. After a bit of speed walking (and jumping down a few flights of stairs because yeah I'm actually still pretty nervous) I'm already out of the building.

"Now all I have to do is get my bike and-"

"Hikki."

 _Heh, now I'm imagining her scolding me. I really am going insane._

"Mou! I wish you would stop taking me so lightly! I can hear you, dummy."

"Wait, I said that out loud?!"

"Yup! Hikki has a bad habit of saying what's on his mind."

"W-Well anyway, what are you doing here?"

"Hikki hasn't been coming to the Service Club lately..."

"..."

"I really miss you Hikki. Yukinon may not want to admit it but she misses you too. Things aren't the same without you around ya know?"

"..."

"A lot of things have happened lately, but I'd really like it if you came to the Service Club today. Yukinon and I just want to talk with you Hikki."

"Shouldn't you be talking with your friends?"

"Hehe. I thought we were friends, Hikki."

"..."

"You always do this you know. You sacrifice yourself to save others. There's a part of me that likes that part of you, because it's like you're a knight in shining armor coming to rescue people in bad situations. Like when you saved Sable, even when it was dangerous and scary. But, another part of me hates that side of you. I hate to see you get hurt, Hikki. I hate it when you do these things for people and shoulder all the pain, but nobody is there to take your pain. You keep saying it's okay, but it's really not."

"Yuigahama-"

"But you know Hikki, that's not the thing I hate the most. What really makes me sad is that you feel like you have to do this stuff in the first place. Like, when you sacrifice yourself, you're basically saying that we're all useless. The only way to save everyone is to do it yourself, because everyone else is too dumb or silly to be able to help themselves, so you have to do it. I really hate that part of you Hikki, it's arrogant and disgusting."

"Yuigahama-"

"But I get it. You went through some hard times when you were younger, so you don't have a lot of faith in people. I don't know exactly what happened, but I know you think everyone is a stupid riajuu. So even though I don't like that you think people are dumb and can't change themselves, I understand why you think that way and I can tolerate it."

"YUIGAHAMA-"

"BUT WHAT THE HELL HIKIGAYA! WHY ARE YOU JUST THROWING EVERYTHING AWAY?!"

Yuigahama was suddenly on me, pounding her fists into my stomach with every word.

"I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS!"

WHAM.

"I THOUGHT WE WERE DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE!"

WHAM.

"I THOUGHT YOU TRUSTED US!"

WHAM.

"I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER!"

WHAM.

"I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING GENUINE!"

 **WHAM.**

The last hit almost took my breath away. Usually she's just playing around when she hits me, but these were actually hurting. A small part of me is shocked to see the normally chipper Yuigahama act this way, but an even larger part of me is disgusted that I drove her to this. I deserve all of this and more.

I closed my eyes and accepted my fate.

 _...Wait. I'm not getting hit anymore, what happened-_

What I saw in front of me did take my breath away. Yuigahama's face was pressed into my chest, and she was weakly clutching at the corners of my uniform. She was ugly crying, I could actually feel her tears through the fabric.

"H-Hikki I d-don't want you to g-go..."

"Yuigahama..."

"P-Please, I'm begging you, don't shut us out of your life H-Hikki."

"Yuigahama-"

 **"I LOVE YOU."**

* * *

Silence.

Absolute silence.

The wind had stilled, the chirping of the birds had ceased, everything had gone still with that confession.

Everything except my furiously racing heart, anyway.

Before I could get a word in edgewise Yuigahama beat me to the punch again.

"B-But surely you already knew that, right Hikki? You're not dumb, you could pretend to ignore it but you've known for a while." Yuigahama whispered, her voice broken and stinging like shards of glass.

 _She understood the facade from the beginning and still kept up that smile-_

"To be honest with you I already gave up on my love a long time ago. I knew confessing would just screw up what we had built together, and I figured you would just fall in love with someone else anyway since I'm not that great. Heh, guess I was right about the falling in love with someone else part, although I never would've predicted who the lucky girl, or should I say _woman_ was." Yuigahama continued her rant in front of this cursed school.

"I guess looking back I should have just confessed anyway, since the Service Club ended up falling apart regardless."

"Listen-"

"No you listen, Hikigaya. You listen when I pour my bleeding heart out to you. You owe me that much at least." Yuigahama snapped back, shutting me up again.

We stood there for a couple moments, staring each other down and probably not believing this was happening.

"...Listen, despite everything that's happened I don't want to lose you. You may not believe it but I've really come to like you and I don't want you to walk out of my life. Even if I can't be the girl in your heart, I can still be your friend. Not just me, but Yukinon and Isshiki too. How do you think they feel? You're one of their closest friends, they both appreciate you way more than you know. You just walked away from us, walked away from over a year of memories without even giving us a chance-"

"You walked away from me first."

"...Huh?" Yuigahama's face told me exactly what she was thinking. That I had just said something retarded, that I was being preposterous, that I was in the wrong.

She's correct, about all of it, but that doesn't mean I have to accept this phony companionship.

"That day at the festival 2 weeks ago, when I turned Isshiki down. All of you guys just left. None of you tried to talk with me or understand where I was coming from, you just went home after I told you my genuine feelings." I mumbled out, my voice starting to acquire a stone edge as my mind once again went back to that day. That wretched day where all my progress went up in flames.

"Are you kidding me right now?! Hikki you can't be serious, we were all crushed. It would have been one thing if we had lost to another girl in our class, or even some girl from your past like Kaori, but our love was trampled for someone that you have no chance of getting with anyway. We lost for no reason, it was a miserable outcome where nobody won. Of course we would be a little upset, can you blame us for needing a little bit of alone time?"

"I don't call 2 weeks of no contact a little bit of alone time."

 _I'm doing it again_

"Hikki are you even listening to yourself?! You're the one who's been running away from us, literally! I had to bust out of the classroom and chase you down just to have this conversation with you! And don't tell me we haven't been trying to reach out to you when you're the one who's got his phone turned off!"

 _Why do I keep doing this?_

"Well, it's not like I asked for your concern in the first place. Maybe I just want to be left alone to wallow in my own pity."

"What is this?! What are you doing, why do you always have to make simple things so difficult with your analogies and your weird emotional games? Why can't you just listen to what I'm telling you!"

"Because that's all I know how to do! Ever since that day in middle school I realized I'm no good with others. I've been deluding myself into thinking I'm someone that I'm not. I've been palling around with you guys in this fake club, in this fake school, with this fake friendship, with these bullshit feelings! It never would've worked and you know it, this is the only way it could have ended. It was my own stupidity and cowardice that allowed things to get this far in the first place."

 _Do I even have a reason?_

"What are you saying Hikki? What do you want?!"

 **"I want you all to get the hell out of my life and leave me alone."**

 _No, I don't need a reason. The monster doesn't need a reason to draw blood._

"...So this is really it then. You're telling me that it's all over." Yuigahama's eyes were brimming with tears. This is like murdering an innocent child.

"Yeah. Yeah, that would be nice. I can just go back to being that guy in the corner that no one recognizes and you can go back to being in your clique, and Isshiki can be a model student council president, and Yukinoshita can go take over the world or something." I finished with a tone of finality in my voice.

"H-Hehehe. I g-guess that's it then. You can't say I didn't t-try, right? Hehe. These tears and my heart are so annoying, maybe it would be better if they weren't there hehe." Yuigahama warbled out, choking on her tears. Her face was contorted in agony; I could tell this was an event she would remember for the rest of her life.

"I-I wish I could have been the one that pulled you out of that pit you're in. I'm so sorry that I wasn't strong enough, I'm s-sorry." She wasn't even trying to rub the tears out of her eyes anymore.

"You're really one of a kind Hikigaya. I h-hope you'll be happy one day, even if it isn't with us." She finished with a broken smile on her broken face.

She turned around and went back inside.

That was the first real friendship that I've ended in my life.

I'll probably have to explain myself to Yukinoshita and the rest, and then have this conversation all over again. For some reason though, I'm finding that I care less and less about the well being of those around me.

"I feel like having ramen tonight." I said to myself aloud as I unracked my bike and started to head home.

* * *

The breeze that disappeared earlier had returned with a vengeance, strengthening into tumultuous gusts that threatened to knock me off my bicycle.

I didn't really care though. Despite the fact that I had just thrown away over a year's worth of effort, in a way I was satisfied that I could now go back to my old life.

I could go through the motions again, without having to really invest in anyone or reveal personal information about myself in order to build up 'trust' that would disappear the moment anything went awry.

My hope of having genuine relationships with others was flawed from the start. I'm not the kind of person who can make that work, and deep down I knew that.

It's quite ironic when I think about it. By falling in love with my teacher and achieving peak riajuu, I learned that I'm a spineless coward who can't commit to anything. That love, and the overwhelming fear and anxiety came with it, revealed my true nature. Isshiki's confession just cemented what I already realized; when the chips are down I can't shake the status quo.

I'm a hypocrite like all the rest of them.

Just like that Hayama bastard I'm too scared to make a choice, and so I was gonna settle for a mediocre conclusion where everyone in the Service Club was endlessly strung along by my noncommittal language. Then when we all graduated and went our separate ways, I would eventually cut them off. It would've been a gradual process I'm sure, after all I don't have the courage to just straight up ghost them. But I can see exactly how it would've gone down, starting with not showing up to IRL meetings, and then progressing to talking once every week, to once a month, to leaving texts unanswered, to blocking numbers, and so on. Within a year's time I'm sure they all would have been written out of my life.

I thought I was different, but now I know that I'm not. Despite all my grandstanding about the selfishness and phoniness of human society, I'm influenced and molded by the same social pressures that everyone else is. I'm not some unwavering rock, I'm not an outside observer looking in and laughing at the masses as they struggle through this game we call life. I'm just another faker looking to maximize my own comfort.

In the end the only difference between me and Hayama is that he's honest about his rotten nature, whereas I was so caught up in myself that I was blind to it.

Yuigahama was right, I was acting self-righteous and arrogant before, and I couldn't even see it.

At least this way it'll be easier for them to hate me, forget about me, and eventually move on. If I wouldn't have fallen in love and had my cowardice revealed to me, then the Service Club would've turned out just like the clique. My love ended up indirectly saving me and them, because instead of having to put in the work to maintain genuine relationships (something I realize I'm incapable of), and instead of having to make choices that would trample on the feelings of others, I can just become a nobody again.

Being a loser isn't so bad. Nobody depends on losers. Nobody expects anything out of them. Losers can do whatever they want and no one will bat an eye.

So yeah, I've come to grips with myself and my true nature.

I'm a coward, a liar, a faker, and a hypocrite. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's tons of awful people in the world. In fact, the reason why we all look up to and admire heroes is because most of us just aren't that great. It's not that heroes are necessarily amazing, but more that most of us are so rotten that doing the right thing when there's nothing in it for us is so rare that it's basically a revolutionary act.

I don't have to be a hero. Hell, I don't even have to be a good person. I can just be a coward like almost everyone is.

I can be a normal guy that no one would even notice. In fact, I'd say that's quite fitting for me.

Hikigaya the riajuu! Or maybe Hikigaya the irrelevant background character?

Whatever, I'll have plenty of time to think about nonsense like this now that I have no obligations to anyone anymore.

* * *

I was almost home now.

Only a few more turns and I could get back to Komachi, Vita-chan, and an endless supply of snacks.

With every minute that passes by I'm feeling more and more relieved. What I thought was a tragedy actually ended up being my greatest blessing. There's something deeply cathartic about seeing who you really are behind all the facades, and accepting it.

In the weirdest way I suppose I've achieved something similar to self-actualization.

I stopped pedaling my bike because I'd just arrived at the final crosswalk before my house. The crosswalk was in front of a four-way intersection, so I had to stop and wait for the sign to change before I could pedal across the street.

Fortunately for me the crosswalk was practically empty, so it shouldn't be too long until I get the all clear to go ahead. In fact, the only car in the intersection was a large black sedan on the opposite side of me.

I did a bit of a double-take when I saw the car. It was one of those luxurious Mercedes saloons with blacked out windows and everything. It wasn't very often you saw such a huge vehicle in Japan, where most cars could barely fit two people inside them. It was probably a six-figure car, so whoever was driving it had to be mega rich.

Anyway, the red light holding the sedan back turned green, so the car started rolling past me, going to wherever it is that rich people go.

I was just about to start moving myself, when I noticed something odd.

The sedan wasn't driving past me. In fact, the car was pulled up right beside me, just sitting there. If that wasn't odd enough, suddenly the rear window started rolling down.

Before I could make sense of the situation, the one face I definitely didn't want to see at that moment was staring back at me with a look of delight.

"Oh my, well isn't this a coincidence Hikigaya-kun?" That sweet but deadly voice called out to me.

"What do you say, feel like going for a drive?"

The person in front of me was my greatest fear, Yukinoshita Haruno herself.

* * *

 _ **Hey everybody, I'm still not dead!**_

 _ **Yeah I don't know anymore man. The update schedule is just gonna not have a schedule. I promise I am going to finish this story no matter what, it just may take some time.**_

 _ **On another note what do you guys think about Haruno's surprise entrance? We all know she has questionable intentions, I think Hikigaya should be very careful about what he says from now on.**_

 _ **On another another note, season 3 is finally here so yeah. I'm probably gonna be putting my life, including this story, on hold until it's over.**_

 _ **Anyway I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and I'm deeply thankful for all of you who remain patient with me and my nonexistent update schedule.**_

 _ **Until next time.**_

 _ **See ya!**_


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